Gold Rush S05E09 - a review

Welcome to the ninth installment of my series, entitled, 'Is This Stupid Show Over Yet?'  In this groundbreaking series, I ask none of the questions that have been plaguing historians for decades.  I also ask none of the questions that have been plaguing theologians for thousands of years, such as, "What is the nature of life?" and, "Why does God hate me so much?"

I may just quit doing these stupid reviews.  In fact, I think I will.  So there.  It's the same old shit they did last week.  It's essentially Deadliest Catch but with almost no chance of Todd Hoffman falling overboard.

Here's the title screen.

Here, Todd Hoffman enjoys a jelly donut despite warnings from his doctor.

And finally, Todd Hoffman tries to get into shape for the upcoming mining season.

Fuck this show.

Gold Rush S05E08 - a review

Today we examine Discovery Channel's show, Gold Rush.  Just like we did last week, we'll offer up an invasive account of Todd Hoffman's trip to the supermarket.  Will he get the store-brand frozen pizza or will he get a DiGiorno?  Will he wait until he gets to the car or to pop open that can of Pringles or will he eat them before the commercial?  At any rate, this is the eighth installment of our series, entitled, 'The Joke Is On Me.'

Parker and his crew discuss moving their gold mining operation to the end of this rainbow.

A Hoffman crew member arms the siren on their pile of shit. 

Scrappers attempt to steal Tony Beets' pile of shit.

"I can't believe they took my ******* pile of shit."

"... did they get the whole frigging pile of shit?"

Gold Rush S05E07 - a review

Today (or tonight -  I don't know when you're reading this) we review Discovery channel's super mega-hit, extra-special, massively massive, Gold Rush TV show, which follows Todd Hoffman in his attempt to take everyone's money while promising nebulous returns.  This is part seven of our 475 part series, entitled, "Why Would You Give the Hoffman's a Half Million Dollars?"

Todd Hoffman asks these tourists if they can spare $300,000.  It seems he needs the money to catch a bus and get some potato salad. 

Jack Hoffman says not to worry because Nancy is on the way and she makes a delicious potato salad.  They just need to find 60 pounds of potatoes after the next commercial. 

"Wouldn't you rather have some macaroni salad?  You don't have to decide until after the next commercial."

"No potatoes here."

"I think a Viking song about rowing is in order.  Just substitute the word potato for boat.  Let's get ******** started."

"No potatoes here."

"I have a good feeling about this ground.  I think we'll find lots of potatoes."

Tony Beets gets 15% of Parker's potato salad. 

"Guys, there are no potatoes here.  It looks like we're going to have to go to Russia.  We need lebensraum for miners.  Dad can you lead us in prayer?"

Gold Rush S05E06 - a review

Today we examine Discovery Channel's hit show, Gold Rush.  This is the sixth installment of our five million part series, entitled, 'I Wonder If They Will Find Enough Gold After This Commercial.'

Santa Claus asks, "What would you like for Christmas little boy?" 

Tony Beets decides that playing around in the dirt all day is "for the ******* birds" and he'd rather "have some ****** mashed potatoes." 

Parker explains to the camera that he'd like some mashed potatoes too. 

Todd Hoffman explains that he tried the potatoes diet but he was always hungry.

Todd Hoffman explains that he tried the gravy diet too but was always hungry.

Todd Hoffman explains that he tried the the peas and carrots diet as well but was always hungry.

Instead he's having a bowl of dirt. 

"I bet you want a bright red race car, don't you, little boy?  Why don't you jump up here and sit on Santa's lap?"

Dave Something squishes his forehead together and speaks in Klingon.

This woman has been in the show lately.  I don't get it.  She doesn't even mine for gold.

Gold Rush S05E05 - a review

Today we examine Discovery Channel's hit show - Gold Rush.  This is the fifth installment of our totally epic series, entitled, 'Gary Kotter And the Amazing Pot of Gold.'  This episode concentrates on Gary Kotter and his efforts to revive John Travolta's stalled acting career.  Mr. Kotter suggests shooting up the hospital.

Travolta says, after careful consideration, "No, that's not going to work.  You have to kill yourself at the end and I don't want to do that."

Mr. Kotter then suggests that John go to Alaska with his insane father, Jack, and try mining for gold.  John thinks it's a fine idea.

"Swell!  I'll do that," he says.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let's look at the recap.

Todd Hoffman is buying pizza for crew for lunch.  He calls his dad for advice.

Jack says Dominos has a special on two large two topping pizzas and maybe to try that one.  He doesn't really care as long as it has sausage. 

"Yeah I'd like six of those frigging two topping pizzas deals."

"Why do I always have to be ******* Santa Claus?  What about the jolly fat man in ******* HR?"

The Domino's pizza tracker indicates Todd's pizzas are on the way. 

"Yeah, Todd, I like Mushrooms."

In a totally spontaneous, unscripted moment between Dave Something and Guy McSomeguy, they discuss the pizzas. 

In a poignant scene, Dave Something confers with his brother, Burt Reynolds. 

Gold Rush S05E04 - a review

Today we review Discovery channel's TV show - Gold Rush.  This is the fourth installment of our award winning series, entitled, 'I've lost the remote again.  Have you seen it?"

Todd Hoffman brings this guy a jar of strawberries.

"Here's a jar of strawberries.  It's all I was able to get in the divorce settlement."

He continues, "My ex-wife got the house and custody of our boys.  You remember my twin sons Adolf and Kevin?" 

"Did you trade the gold for a bag of magic beans again?"

"I don't know why Thurber goes to that doctor.  I can do a prostate exam."

The strawberry pump suffers a catastrophic failure. 

Tony Beets inspects his fleet of Boeing 747s.

He says,"**** the  ******* ***** *******."

He continues, "**** **** ******* *** *******" 

Gold Rush S05E03 - a review

Today we review Discovery channel's TV show - Gold Rush.  This is the third installment of our endless series, entitled, 'Todd Hoffman is a Sociopath."

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

"I don't have any chickens."

"I don't mean that literally.  What I mean is that you shouldn't rely on something that you are unsure about.  You shouldn't make plans based on assumptions that can lead to disappointment.  Now then, I have a really good feeling about this land."

"Our drummer quit.  Do you know of anyone?"

"But I don't want to be a drummer."

"Now just grab the bag with both ******* hands.  Here, give me that ******* bag and I'll open it.  Like this, now ******* pay attention."

The producers followed Todd Hoffman to his doctors appointment.  I don't know why they showed his colonoscopy video. 

This guy's mustache is going to have its own show.