Hire me!

I answered an ad for a job.  They're looking for a 'Rockstar Web Developer.'  So, I replied as such.

I'm not really a rockstar.  Are you really looking for the qualities of arrogance, histrionics, and drug abuse in an employee?  I'm willing to learn.  I believe I could perform those duties as well as programming, but I'll need a fat expense account for the drugs - the cost of those can really add up, especially in the late stages of addiction.  And I'll need to come in late (my clocks are set to PST) on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday mornings.  I won't be in at all on Mondays.  I live less than two miles away.  Therefore, I won't need a car and can take a short bus ride to the office.  This will help me stay loaded all day.  One more requirement (I'm sure you've planned for this) is that I'll need your company to pay for my rehab at a prominent facility in a warm climate on or near the beach. This is negotiable, of course.  I don't care exactly which Pacific coast beach the rehab center is located - that's for Blue Cross to figure out.  Admittedly, after I'm released from rehab the quality of my art will suffer as I desperately try to reclaim my former popularity.  By then my work will be just beneath okay but still solidly mediocre.  That won't happen for a couple years, though.

Justice for Slytherin

It's finally over.  I'm not a Harry Potter hater, because I only saw the first movie, and while I won't go so far to say that it sucked, it was pretty stupid.  The film contained at least two elements that almost ruined it and one which actually did ruin it at the end.

1)  Magic wands.  They are essentially small sticks or twigs - hardly something to be feared.  I've seen cigars that were bigger.  Why not a baseball bat?   I'd run like hell if somebody pointed a baseball bat (especially aluminum) at me.  A chick must have written this book. 

2)  That stupid game.  The game towards the beginning of the flick.  It was basically airborne polo with brooms instead of horses.  Okay, it was stupid enough but it didn't leave me in a rage until they introduced the dumb fucking ball.  Catch the DFB and your team wins no matter what.  The rest of the game is henceforth pointless.  Why not send the entire team out for the DFB?  A chick must have written this book.

3)  Politics.  Slytherin clearly was best-in-breed (in addition to having the best characters) and racked up an impressive points lead by the end of the film.  Then, in a blatant display of cronyism, Dumblecock, Dumbledouche, Dickensdorf, or whatever the fuck his name was, starts handing out points willy-nilly, in flagrant disregard of the rules and the points system.  The reason everybody was gathered in the big hall in the first place was a ceremonial presentation of the trophy.  All of us knew who won.

It's as though the Yankees outscored the Cubs 5-2 in the final game of the World Series, and major league commissioner Jeff Gordon, unilaterally decides that it's "about time" Chicago won one and gives them a free grand slam for, "courage and perseverance," or some abstract thing.

Why there weren't riots in movie theaters across the globe is beyond my ability to understand.

Bieber-Palin Super Collider

I have a new science project idea.  As a country we've decided that it's perfectly okay to spend billions on things like particle accelerators, which are really nothing more than circular tunnels.  But they provide jobs to people who are good at digging circular tunnels, so I guess it benefits the overall economy.  I need to learn how to dig circular tunnels.  People have always said to me, "Everybody is good at something."  Maybe digging circular tunnels is my one shot to fully realize my potential?  I thought it was drinking.  I quit drinking so now I'm left with digging circular tunnels.  I'll keep you informed on the progress of my new career path.

Anyway, I think America would be just as curious to know what happens when Justin Bieber is accelerated near the speed of light and collides with Sarah Palin.  I'm sure scientists can sort through the blood and gut pile and figure out what happened to all the protons, electrons, and quarks.  How hard can it be?

Now that the space shuttle is over and done with, we need a new, national science project to excite little school children's imaginations.  Sarah Palin is a name school children may be unfamiliar with, so we can substitute the Jonas brothers.