Pre-Existing Rage

I have a medical condition known as Inessential Redundancy Disorder type six. Sufferers suffer from rage filled, rage attacks when confronted with seemingly ignorant duplication of words. For example, IRD disorder type one (the least aggressive strain,) causes people to freak out slightly when they see an abbreviation like FedEx Express.

“I am going to send you this package via Federal Express Express. I prefer them over that United Parcel Service service. Don't you?”

I have type six, which means I have all the symptoms of types one through five. I don't want to bore you with the details of each one, but type four can cause your white blood cells (WBCs) to mutate. Normal WBC cells are shaped like round circles. Abnormal cells mutate into rectangular square shapes. Then your WBC cells can get stuck in your arteries causing your head to blow up like that guy in that movie.

Do you remember or recall that movie from the 70s where the guy's head blew up and exploded?

That was a good one.

But the hallmark symptom of type six is that when we're confronted with certain redundancies, we become angry with anger. We go out into swamps and poke sticks at turtles. Or, if we're near the sea, we swim out and find ocean going sea turtles and we hold them underwater for a while. If we live in an urban setting then we kill a hooker instead.

Anyway, the hookers are stacking up like a cord of wood (128 cubic feet) lately because of this sick obsession with healthcare. Did you notice the clever pun? Sick obsession? Nevermind.

People who should know better, like the president, go around speaking about pre-existing conditions, and how it's not right to be denied insurance coverage because you may have one. Seems fair, I suppose - I guess - I don't know. It's the word grouping that bugs me.

First off, you either have a condition or you don't. It's that simple.

“Yes, Mr. Thornhill, do you have any conditions?”

“I'm not sure what you mean.”

Then some ignoramus added the word existing in front of condition because, apparently, they were afraid people would question the objective reality of their goiter, thus withholding important medical information.

“Yes, Mr. Thornhill, do you have any existing conditions?”

“I have an existing condition of life. Before that I had an existing condition of non-life. This is a philosophical question, isn't it? How did Hawkings answer it?”

Still, I can live with the phrase existing condition, even though it bothers me, because I don't let the little things get to me.

“Yes, Mr. Thornhill, do you have any pre-existing conditions?”

“In other words, do I have something that existed prior to existing before it ever existed? I think the correct answer must be yes. Yes I do.”

“What conditions do you have?”

“All of them.”