Hire me!

I answered an ad for a job.  They're looking for a 'Rockstar Web Developer.'  So, I replied as such.

I'm not really a rockstar.  Are you really looking for the qualities of arrogance, histrionics, and drug abuse in an employee?  I'm willing to learn.  I believe I could perform those duties as well as programming, but I'll need a fat expense account for the drugs - the cost of those can really add up, especially in the late stages of addiction.  And I'll need to come in late (my clocks are set to PST) on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday mornings.  I won't be in at all on Mondays.  I live less than two miles away.  Therefore, I won't need a car and can take a short bus ride to the office.  This will help me stay loaded all day.  One more requirement (I'm sure you've planned for this) is that I'll need your company to pay for my rehab at a prominent facility in a warm climate on or near the beach. This is negotiable, of course.  I don't care exactly which Pacific coast beach the rehab center is located - that's for Blue Cross to figure out.  Admittedly, after I'm released from rehab the quality of my art will suffer as I desperately try to reclaim my former popularity.  By then my work will be just beneath okay but still solidly mediocre.  That won't happen for a couple years, though.