Dr. F-something

"We're going to put you in a wheel-barrow and leave you under that awning.  That way you can keep an eye on my new Mercedes."

Dr. F-something is a skinny Indian dude who always looks like he's midway through a 112 hour shift.  He never has anything good to say.

"You see, we're running dangerously close to hitting forty percent occupancy."

"Is my bed on fire?" I ask, plaintively.

"What are you doing with that hacksaw?  You're planning on cutting off one of my limbs, aren't you?  As long as I get some morphine, I guess it's okay," I say.

Dr. F-something flips through my chart.  He says, "How long have you been taking omeprazole?"

He stops flipping and stares directly into my eyes.  Judging from the look on his face I'm obviously having a pulmonary embolism.  I thought it would hurt more.  He stares for a couple seconds more, then says, "The bed fire can be extinguished with a pinch of baking soda."

"I read that on the internet," he adds.

Just then Dr. McQueen runs in.  He is on a butterfly hunt.  The rare creature lands on my nose and Dr. McQueen's net drops over my head.

"This will look great in my den next to the turtle," he says.

Dr. F-something and I intently watch McQueen reach into the net (and the end of my nose), grab the butterfly by the legs, and run out as quickly as he ran in.

"I need your arms for my Halloween costume.  It'll be hilarious.  And your legs go to a friend of mine, Dr. Strangelove."

Mole Sauce

Today we examine Mole sauce.  Mole is Spanish for, "Put some of that weird shit on my enchilada, please."

*serving suggestion

As if the innards of my enchilada weren't quite weird enough already, I'd like to slather a tar-like substance over it.

"I'd like some of that bitter black sauce on my enchilada, please.  And use a mop."

Mole sauce was invented by a crazed Mexican scientist, Dr. Strangelove, who listed Dr. Josef Mengele as a reference on his resume.  The absent minded Dr. Strangelove was eating lunch in his lab and accidently knocked over a beaker of enchilada sauce.  It mixed with a beaker of an unknown material meant for the trash.  The doctor said, "Eureka!" and Mole sauce was discovered.  It also became payback for the Americans taking California.

The more you know.

Alaska

Just when we've finally got enough cops, doctors, and lawyers, to fill the E.R and the swanky corner office with a two year supply of donuts, now we learn that we need plenty of shows about Alaska too.  We've got some idiots with annoying facial hair mining for gold, we've got a new show where some people fly a plane to remote areas and deliver porn, and we've got Sarah Palin.  What is there to say about her that hasn't already been said?  I wouldn't fuck her with a ten foot dick or a even a stolen dick - whichever happens to be nearby.  I'll leave it there.

We'll have a new season of Deadliest Catch soon which is getting tiring after years of watching fishermen catch crabs, transfer crabs onto shelves, sort crabs, and finally, transfer crabs into tanks.  Even the concocted drama aspect of the show is getting old.  Will they catch enough crabs?  Will they run into a snowstorm?  Will the traps have enough crabs in them after this commercial?

I'd like to see a show called, "Alaska:  It's Just Too Fucking Cold Here."  I know what you're thinking.  But the wild, final frontier, nature of Alaska is so beautiful!  A hypothermia victim is a beautiful sight to a starving polar bear.  Let's have another show called, "Alaska:  Let's Plunder Its Resources While We're Still Able."  There's a reason why there are no drilling rigs or miners in Malibu.  It's just too nice and we wouldn't want to fuck it up.

They had a show called "Ice Road Truckers."  I kinda liked that one.  The truckers had to deliver equipment to a well-capitalized, corporate mining operation.  Occasionally a truck would fall through the ice into a lake just after the commercial.  That one was good.  The newest one is, "Alaska:  Gold Rush."  This one features a half-dozen fools, their children, and an old guy with an irritating, squeaky, old man voice, who likes to drive a tractor into a ditch while shouting to his idiot son, "There's gold in that ditch!"  His irritating voice is offset by his gray beard which is, thankfully, well-trimmed.  Anyway, he narrowly misses the ditch and runs over another miner's child.  A hungry bear sees a fresh ground beef brunch, so he runs over to eat the child's remains.  This show has some promise.

But they're idiots.  Agnico Eagle Mines (NYSE: AEM) can pull gold out of the ground at a cost of $420 per ounce.  I doubt the idiots find much gold and I doubt their cost-basis is anywhere under the spot price when the show was filmed.  Instead of putting all their money into tractors and supplies, they should have just bought a precious metals ETF.

Cops, Doctors, and Lawyers II

I recently discovered that the 'The Good Wife' on CBS is not only apparently all about a good wife, but I hear she's a swell lawyer too. The trailers indicate that it's a story with a politician (probably another fucking lawyer) and his good wife. I guess the 'The Good Wife' wasn't quite good enough in bed so the husband (played by some chode - who gives a shit) sought out a 'Good Transvestite,' most likely during a re-election cycle. I think the 'The Good Wife' should sleep with Tom Selleck's mustache, in a special two hour, cross-promotional episode, as a payback to her cheating husband.

I can't possibly squeeze this one into my schedule - my DVR is already backed up with 30 hours of other law enforcing, law making, life saving professionals.

Cops, Doctors, and Lawyers

The new TV season is almost upon us.  America has a criminal justice fetish and so we can never have enough cops, doctors and lawyers.  Thank god we've got plenty of each kind (thanks god), but mostly cops.  Technically speaking, just about every cop show has a doctor or a lawyer, and every lawyer show needs a cop to lie at the trial about the handgun or the dimebag they planted on the defendant, but I had to categorize each show for the sake of my handy table.  I haven't included the TNT original shows in my table, but they have 'Rizzoli & Isles' in some bad-guy-chasing, dirty-over-thirty, super-hot, girl-on-girl action.  They have a chick called 'The Closer.'  Evidentially she's a cop, but she finds the time to help you close shit, like a 30 year mortgage re-fi.  TNT also has one or more cop shows with 'blue' in the title, like dark blue, rookie blue, navy blue, or some fucking thing. And CBS gives us another 'blue' show, this one starring Tom Selleck's mustache, called 'Blue Bloods.'

Your DVR is going to get quite a workout this fall as many shows are stacked upon each other, especially on Friday night, but we can catch up over the weekend.  Wednesday night looks particularly good and is our best chance of the entire week to see lawyers doggedly pursuing truth, justice, and other whimsical fantasies based upon our judicial system.
Here's a list for each night so you can plan appropriately.

Day	Time	Show	Cops	Doctors	Lawyers
Monday	8:00	House		✔
	10:00	Hawaii Five-O	✔
		Castle	✔
		Chase	✔
Tuesday	8:00	NCIS	✔
	9:00	NCIS: Los Angeles	✔
	10:00	Detroit 187	✔
Wednesday	9:00	Criminal Minds	✔
		Law & Order: SVU	✔		✔
	10:00	Law & Order: Los Angeles	✔		✔
		The Whole Truth			✔
Thursday	8:00	Bones	✔
	9:00	Grey's Anatomy		✔
		CSI	✔
	10:00	Private Practice		✔
		The Mentalist	✔
Friday	8:00	Medium	✔
	9:00	CSI: New York	✔
		Body of Proof		✔
		Good Guys	✔
	10:00	Blue Bloods	✔
		Outlaw			✔
Saturday	8:00	Cops	✔
	8:30	Cops	✔
Sunday	10:00	CSI: Miami	✔