NFL Player Names

Today we look at some (many) of the strange names that seem to be legion in the NFL.  One Sunday the name Tyrod flashed on our screen.  Apparently nobody objected when Tyrod's proud mother named her son after a front suspension part of a car.

But our favorite player is Plaxico Burress.  "We have to go back to Lowe's.  I forgot to pick up a roll of Plaxico."  Or, "I'm glad this Plaxico is really thick.  That monkey is really angry.  He'd tear us apart."

This list is not comprehensive but it's pretty darn long.

Buffalo Bills

88 Marquise Goodwin
48 MarQueis Gray
66 Seantrel Henderson

• I believe it's pronounced 'Marcus.'  I bet Mr. Gray has a lot of trouble ordering checks. 

Miami Dolphins

33 LaMichael James
11 Mike Wallace
70 Ja'Wuan James

• Isn't Wallace a little old to be playing football?

 New England Patriots

54 Dont'a Hightower
30 Duron Harmon

• The Hightower guys name doesn't make any sense to anyone at the intersection.  I wasn't able to get any useful data.  Of the people who put down their window, one said, "Fuck off, creep!"  The other said that I should, "Go fuck myself," which is clearly impossible.

• I think Duron is a battery.  They've always worked well for me. 

New York Jets

60 D'Brickashaw Ferguson
95 Antwan Barnes
37 Jaiquawn Jarrett

• Brickashaw just wasn't quite weird enough already, so his mother added the ''D'. '

Baltimore Ravens

• Nothing jumped out at us. 

Cincinnati Bengals

55 Vontaze Burfict
51 Jayson DiManche
53 Marquis Flowers
21 Darqueze Dennard

• Burfict gets a high score for a name that starts with the letter V. 

• "Be sure to put some Darqueze on both sides of that board."

Cleveland Browns

67 Ishmaa'ily Kitchen
36 K'Waun Williams

• Ishmaa'ily Bathroom just doesn't sound right - like Kitchen does.

 Pittsburgh Steelers

53 Maurkice Pouncey
41 Antwon Blake

• Must be a typo on the birth certificate.  

 Houston Texans

23 Arian Foster
10 DeAndre Hopkins
80 Andre Johnson
13 Damaris Johnson
82 Keshawn Martin
11 DeVier Posey
90 Jadeveon Clowney

• So, this Foster guy is a white supremacist?  

Indianapolis Colts

37 Zurlon Tipton
30 LaRon Landry 

• "Yes, commander Zurlon, we are orbiting planet Zoloft.  Should I inform ambassador Paxil?"

Jacksonville Jaguars

11 Marqise Lee
89 Marcedes Lewis
99 Sen'Derrick Marks

• "Audi was taken.  Let's just spell Mercedes with an A."

• "We present the honorable senator Marks."

Tennessee Titans

90 DaQuan Jones
97 Karl Klug

• Karl's middle name is his grandfather's first name, Kevin.  

Denver Broncos

88 Demaryius Thomas
93 Quanterus Smith
94 DeMarcus Ware
38 Quinton Carter

• "Yes, commander Zurlon, the star in this solar system is a type M.  It's called, Quanterus."

 Kansas City Chiefs

35 Charcandrick West
88 Junior Hemingway
92 Dontari Poe

• A descendant of Ernest? 

• Dontari should go by E.A. 

Oakland Raiders

28 Latavius Murray
49 Jamize Olawale
12 Brice Butler
17 Denarius Moore
85 Kenbrell Thompkins
81 Mychal Rivera

• What the hell is a Brice? 

• What the hell is a Kenbrell? 

• What the hell is a Latavius?  It must be from the Bible. 

• "I want to name him Michael, but let's fuck up the spelling."

San Diego Chargers

89 Ladarius Green
58 Tourek Williams

• "You can stop the bleeding by using a Tourek."

Dallas Cowboys

90 DeMarcus Lawrence
56 Dekoda Watson

• America's team 

New York Giants

43 Orleans Darkwa
98 Damontre Moore
53 Jameel McClain
35 Quintin Demps

• Let's go to Orleans for Gras.

Philadelphia Eagles

• Nothing that leaps out at us.

Washington Redskins

11 DeSean Jackson

• Like the famous Spanish conquistador, DeSoto. 

Chicago Bears

25 Ka'Deem Carey
32 Senorise Perry
95 Ego Ferguson

• Let's watch the Senorise. 

• See also the id, the Ferguson, and the super-Ferguson. 

Detroit Lions

66 LaAdrian Waddle
54 DeAndre Levy

• These are pretty mainstream. 

Green Bay Packers

26 DuJuan Harris
98 Letroy Guion
95 Datone Jones

• I use only Datone recordable DVDs.

Minnesota Vikings

• We're getting so tired of this topic. 

Atlanta Falcons

77 Ra'Shede Hageman

• Blah blah blah. 

Carolina Panthers

34 DeAngelo Williams
10 De'Andre Presley
57 Adarius Glanton

• More fucked up names.

New Orleans Saints

29 Khiry Robinson
12 Marques Colston

• Khiry is on the Marques.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

54 Lavonte David
26 Crezdon Butler
38 Dashon Goldson

• "Would you like some Crezdon on your toast?" 

Arizona Cardinals

98 Frostee Rucker

• His parental units were going to name him 'Ice Cream Sandwich' but that seemed kind of crazy.  

St. Louis Rams

20 Lamarcus Joyner
47 Marcus Roberson

• How many variations of Marcus have we seen?

San Francisco 49ers

81 Anquan Boldin

• Better than Antwan.

Seattle Seahawks

87 RaShaun Allen

• The big discussion in the hospital room was whether to name the baby Allen

The Jock

Today we explore the jock - a totally in-depth report.  From the jock's ground-breaking work on cracking the codes used by the Nazis, to the jock's work on the development of the hydrogen bomb that helped win the cold war, and lately, their brilliant ideas in the field of cancer research.

Their contributions have likely saved the lives of countless people, many of them children.  But just what is so different about the jock's brain?  Why are they so darn smart?

As it turns out, the jock's head is filled with puzzle pieces, while the ordinary head is filled with a squishy material, somewhat like a Twinkie.  The jock's unique head construction allows them to easily solve complex mathematical formulas.

We asked award winning jock Brett Favre (pronounce it like the 'R' comes before the 'V') to complete our post.  He's suffering from early-onset dementia although we can't imagine why.

"Why am I sitting in front of this computer?  Who are you?"

Fantasy Football

Here is my all-pro, all-star, fantasy football team.

Wide Receivers

Braylon Edwards - [10/26/2009] - Charged with misdemeanor assault, accused of punching friend of LeBron James at club Oct. 5. Edwards was traded to the New York Jets a few days after the incident.

Plaxico Burress - [12/1/2008] - Turned himself on charge of criminal possession of a handgun after accidentally shooting himself in thigh at New York nightclub. He did not have permit for the Glock pistol. Indicted on two counts of criminal possession of a weapon and one count of reckless endangerment.

Terry Glenn - [12/30/2005] - Cited for public intoxication after urinating outside Jack In The Box restaurant.

I know that I can have only 2 wide receivers, but I had to make room for Plaxico because his name sounds like a weather resistant, space-age building material.  And well, I need a player on my team who carries a concealed weapon since I have so many players with criminal backgrounds.

Offensive Line

Cornell Green - [3/21/2009] - Arrested in Tampa after allegedly slamming the mother of his two children against wall and hitting her with mop handle.

Richard Collier - [11/3/2007] - Charged with DUI after being found asleep behind wheel at McDonald's drive-thru window.

Jeremy Bridges - [12/7/2008] - Arrested, charged with two counts of simple assault and battery and one count of communicating threats after incident at restaurant.

Chris Naeole - [6/27/2004] - Police used a Taser to subdue Naeole before arresting him on a charge of disorderly conduct at a bar in Jacksonville Beach.

Quinn Ojinnaka - [5/26/2009] - Charged with simple battery after wife said she was tossed down stairs by him. Wife said fight was over one of his female friends on Facebook.

Sean Locklear - [1/15/2006] - Arrested on a charge of assault for allegedly choking his girlfriend outside a downtown Seattle nightspot.

Kenyatta Jones - [10/21/2003] - Arrested for allegedly assaulting his roommate with scalding water.

I think this will be a real good front line.  They can decide for themselves who snaps the ball.  I don't really care.  The defense is never gonna see my plays coming.  Right after the snap - POW!  They'll get a face full of super-heated, premium roast coffee.  Anybody who gets through my line with less than 3rd degree burns will then have to get past my man Green and face a savage beating with a some sort of cleaning device.

Tight Ends

Matt Spaeth - [10/18/2009] - Cited for public urination outside restaurant near Steelers' stadium after game. Teammate Jeff Reed arrested as part of incident.

Kolomona Kapanui - [5/3/2009] - Arrested on obscenity and disturbing the peace charges. He allegedly urinated in public and exposed himself to women.

These tight ends have small bladders.  I'll setup some portable toilets just past the end zone so they'll run like hell to get there.

Running Backs

Lionel Gates - [3/29/2007] - Arrested, charged with hitting pregnant woman in face.

Michael Pittman - [5/31/2003] - Pittman was charged with aggravated assault after police said he used his Hummer to ram a car carrying his wife, 2-year-old son and a babysitter.

I'll hire America's greatest running back, O.J. Simpson, to keep these guys in line and provide them with the proper training.  They obviously have no clue when it comes to domestic violence.  O.J.'s tutelage will help them both on and off the field.

I've been thinking long and hard about my quarterback - the most important player on the field.  Michael Vick would be an obvious choice, but I can't see how cruelty to animals will help us in the QB position. However, I would like to consider him for place kicker if he's available.  Kicking a football is just like kicking a small dog, so I bet he's good.

Anyway, since this is fantasy football, my QB will be a nanomorph, mimetic, poly-alloy (liquid metal) assassin, just like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.  Except that he will be outfitted with state-of-the-art neurologic transceiving implants, so that we can hook up Bo Schembechler's head - which is still in deep-freeze at that Arizona cryolab, right next to Ted Williams.

Visit the NFL Arrests Database to build your own team.