Copernicus

Copernicus, first name Earl, is believed to have been born in 1473 in Thorn, an unincorporated hamlet located in Royal Prussia. Among historians there is widespread disagreement as to precisely where Royal Prussia is located, some believing it to be near Russia, others insisting that it's in Poland. What remains clear is that we may never know.

Nostradamus, first name Dustin, a favorite drinking buddy of Copernicus, was an uncredited influence on some of his most famous theories, including the heliocentric theory of the solar system. Scribbling drawings on bar napkins with a number zero pencil (it would be centuries later until the development of the number two pencil) the duo explored the depths of astronomy.

In 1499 the two were often seen together at O'Leary's pub in New South Hamptonshire in London, England. Despite lacking proper scientific equipment, they fashioned a telescope out of a rocks glass that happened to be poorly manufactured, and thus allowed light to refract and magnify distant objects. This led to Copernicuses famous theory of Heliocentricity, which remains to this day as one of the standout theories developed while drunk.

Stated simply, the theory states that the Earth is not the center of the universe and actually revolves
around the Sun. Of course, these names were not widely used in the 15th century. His original theory,
published in the Washington Post in 1501, ran under the headlline "Lumpy dirt ball spins around yellow fire ball."

Sadly, he died at some point and never lived to see the legacy of his discoveries. The legacy of his
discoveries being that he was totally wrong. It was proven years after his death that the Earth is not a
ball but somewhat flat, more like Ashlee Simpson's singing, and the Sun is held in place by a large Space Stick, which allows it to move from side to side much like a pendulum in an upside down grandfather clock.

Lobotomy

Today we look at getting a lobotomy.  We've always wanted one for Christmas but last year we got an Amazon gift card.  Amazon sells everything so it was probably a good idea.

Happiness is a mental disorder and we're supposed to pursue it.   Here we thought that a lobotomy was the way to go.  Anyway, the declaration of independence was written a few thousand years ago when our country (pre-selected by God - his favorite place) was run by wealthy white men who liked to wear silver wigs.  When they said, "all men are created equal" that's just what they meant.  No exceptions!  Screw poor people, women, minorities, people who can't afford silver wigs, dogs, geriatrics, the handicapped, and everybody not specifically mentioned in the previous paragraph.  Thomas Jefferson pushed for this clause but got out-voted.  An example of who they had in mind when this was written was Ernest Shackleton.

What's wrong with the picture below?

Yes, you're correct!  Very good!  Nice work!

I should have been a teacher.

Anyway, how the fuck should I know what your answer was?  If your answer was, "The driver of that sailing ship got stuck in a snowbank" then you got it right.  We will also accept, "Shackleton was an idiot."

Shackleton was an insane Englishman who previously chased butterflies in the Galapagos islands.  He also studied Malaria, Cholera, and Polio.  He died of Syphilis.  Because he was so wealthy, he had all this spare time on his hands, one day he got bored, and said to his wife - who was having the servants make some toast, "I think I'll lead an expedition to the South Pole and drive my ship into a snowbank and then we can make snow angels."

His wife said, "You better wear a heavy coat.  It's pretty cold down there." 

So, he put an ad in the local newspaper.  It read, "Wanted: Virile men needed for expedition to South Pole.  Will probably die a horrible death.  Due to tax laws, can only pay 1 pence per day as a contractor - 1099."

Upon his triumphant return that very same newspaper printed, "SHACKLETON RETURNS!  NOT EVERY CREWMEMBER DIED!"

What's our point?  We forget.  Something about a lobotomy.  Oh yeah, we want one for Christmas.  Or an amputation.  Amputees always have a good disposition.