Led Zeppelin vs. A Baked Potato

Today we examine that age old question: Which is better, the group Led Zeppelin or a baked potato?  In one corner are one of the founding members of the heavy metal genre and in the opposite corner is a potato. 

But first let's have a look at the most prized possession in the rock and roll hall of fame.  I'm writing, of course, about Jimmy Page's first banjo. 

This the instrument used in their early classic, 'I'm Tired of Sitting on This Porch, I'm Going Inside.'  This was when Jimmy Page wrote the lyrics.  He then decided that something was lacking so they hired an expert - a houseplant.

Mr. Page would write the music and then throw the song over the cubicle wall and the houseplant would add squealing and some inexplicable lyrics.  To illustrate the point, please consider the houseplant's lyrics on 'The Rover.'  The houseplant sings (like a loose alternator belt) about joining hands as though it's a big problem. 

"Hey you kids!  Stop holding hands!  Smoke all the pot you want, though."

But anyway, this was supposed to be about Led Zeppelin versus a baked potato in a fight to the death.  A clash of titans.  A war of something.  Other clichés!

I'm sad to say that we didn't get very far because we got hungry and ate the potato.  It was a little bland and we wanted to add some butter but we didn't have any.  To be totally fair we ate Led Zeppelin's album 'Houses of the Holy' but it wasn't very good.  We (our photographer Steve) cut his mouth when chewing on it and I had to take him to the emergency room. 

#LedZeppelin 

Led Zeppelin is Stupid and Sucky

I've decided that they aren't that good and don't deserve this multi-decade long orgasmic hype-a-thon.  Sure, they seemed new at the time, I suppose, and that was good enough, since the world was fresh off Elvis and Robert Plant simply did the next logical thing, which was to not wear pants.  Big deal.

Stairway to Heaven is a shitty song filled with dumb platitudes and metaphors that would embarrass even the most pedestrian stoner, is repetitively annoying with all of the 'wondering,' and clocks in at 20 minutes.  'Free Bird' seems too short by comparison.

"When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed.  With a word she can get what she came for."

"Come back later when we're open, bitch."
"Uhh."
"Oh, sorry, you're the lady that buys stairways to heaven.  Why didn't you say so?"

I just hope they dug down at least six feet and poured a proper footing to get below the frost line so the large staircase doesn't heave in the springtime.  I know, I know.  I'm being too literal.  This bitch is actually paying off the local religious authorities in return for a guaranteed front-row blanket at Jesus' annual picnic.  I get it.

"There's a feeling I get when I look to the west."

I get all emotional when looking to the south south west.  I know how you feel.

"Ooh, it makes me wonder, Ooh, it really makes me wonder."

I wonder why I spent $9.99 on iTunes for this album.  It was this, Meat Loaf, or the Never Ending Story.  Then I learned that the Never Ending Story does, in fact, have an ending and Meat Loaf doesn't collapse at the end of the his album in a sweaty, cardiac episode.  So I got Led Zeppelin.

"Then the piper will lead us to reason. And a new day will dawn for those who stand long ."

A guy in green yoga pants will enlighten us?  Has anyone seen a piper lately?  Is that the same thing as Peter Pan?  'Dawn' rhymes with 'long.'  The sentence is clever because they are standing.  I get that too.  It's not a 'new day' I long for but a fucking chair.  This job has no benefits, shit pay, and I have to stand all fucking day long.  Go to Hell.

"If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now, It's just a spring clean for the May queen. Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on. And it makes me wonder."

Ten minutes in so far.  Total gibberish.  Still wondering about Meat Loaf.  'May Queen' must be a mistake.  They were talking about cleaning, so it must be 'Speed Queen,' a washing machine.  Fucking hippies don't do laundry regularly so that must be it.  Dirty, fucking hippies.  Another ten minutes to go.

"The piper's calling you to join him .."

More shit from the mythological piper.  Fuck off already.

"Our shadows taller than our soul."

He's obviously quite high at this point.  A soul has no dimensions.

"The tune will come to you at last. When all are one and one is all. To be a rock and not to roll."

The song doesn't end when it ends?  Great.  I wish this song was a food so I could make myself gag and throw it up.  I wish I had a Rolling Stones truck thing to haul it away to the dump, because it's so long it won't fit in my Malibu.  I wish I was wrapped up like a douche so I couldn't hear it.

By the way, most rocks don't roll very well unless they have substantial momentum, asshole.