REO Speedwagon

Today I focus on the inspirational music of REO Speedwagon.  Normally WE would write this article but Steve got behind on child support so they threw him in jail.  In case you were wondering, Steve's son, Timmy, is doing great!  Thanks to medication, little Timmy no longer starts fires and has learned that cats don't like water.  Unfortunately, neither Steve nor his ex-wife can afford military school so for now the public school system will have to do.  Anyway, today it's just me.

To compliment religious TV (I can't afford cable) I've been listening to the collective inspirational works of REO Speedwagon.  Below is a list of some of their early hits.  This is not an exhaustive list.

The early songs of REO
Keep Pushin
Ridin' the Storm Out
Roll with the Changes (could easily be reclassified)
Only the Strong Survive

But the 80s came along and REO was caught flat-footed (whatever that means) so they had to adapt.  Their plan was to turn into a soft rock band.  Soft rock means that the drummer restrains himself so as not to offend dentists.

The latter (shitty) songs of REO are legion and make one want to drink gasoline to induce vomiting.  Their biggest hit from that period, 'When Loving Lovers Love' is shown below.

Rush is Better Than Sliced Bread

Today we review the collective works of Rush - the famous Canadian export.  We thought April Wine was the best thing since sliced bread but we obviously had it all wrong.

1. Geddy Lee's bizarre warbling.  Geddy went in the hospital to get his pie-hole sewn shut but the doctor said, "I can't operate on him.  This is my son."
   
   
   So they summoned another doctor.   The doctor said, "I can't operate on him.  This is my son."
   
   
   How is this possible?
   
   Incidentally, here are Geddy Lee's original notes for the 'Moving Pictures' album. 
   
   
   
2. Neil Peart's indulgent drumming.  When Neil was a little boy, his mother asked, "Hey Neil, you little shit, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
   
   
   "I want to play drums for an overrated rock band and our singer will have a big nose and sound like our car when you turn the wheel all the way!"
   
   "I see.  Mommy would like your father to stop drinking and stop hitting mommy, but you can't always get what you want."
   
   "My drum set will have a thousand pieces!"
   
   
3. The fucked-up weird as hell songs.  From Tom Sawyer to salesmen.  Geddy Lee screams about them both as though they're threatening him with a rusty steak knife.

Led Zeppelin vs. A Baked Potato

Today we examine that age old question: Which is better, the group Led Zeppelin or a baked potato?  In one corner are one of the founding members of the heavy metal genre and in the opposite corner is a potato. 

But first let's have a look at the most prized possession in the rock and roll hall of fame.  I'm writing, of course, about Jimmy Page's first banjo. 

This the instrument used in their early classic, 'I'm Tired of Sitting on This Porch, I'm Going Inside.'  This was when Jimmy Page wrote the lyrics.  He then decided that something was lacking so they hired an expert - a houseplant.

Mr. Page would write the music and then throw the song over the cubicle wall and the houseplant would add squealing and some inexplicable lyrics.  To illustrate the point, please consider the houseplant's lyrics on 'The Rover.'  The houseplant sings (like a loose alternator belt) about joining hands as though it's a big problem. 

"Hey you kids!  Stop holding hands!  Smoke all the pot you want, though."

But anyway, this was supposed to be about Led Zeppelin versus a baked potato in a fight to the death.  A clash of titans.  A war of something.  Other clichés!

I'm sad to say that we didn't get very far because we got hungry and ate the potato.  It was a little bland and we wanted to add some butter but we didn't have any.  To be totally fair we ate Led Zeppelin's album 'Houses of the Holy' but it wasn't very good.  We (our photographer Steve) cut his mouth when chewing on it and I had to take him to the emergency room. 

#LedZeppelin 

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road revisited revisited

Today I revisit the examination of the first reexamination of the Sir Elton John classic, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.'  I'm like a dog with a bone on this one.  The main problem is that, once being exposed (like Cholera) to the lyrics, I can't listen to this one anymore.  I want my $1.29 back.

Between all the horny toads hopping around, society's howling dogs, and bizarre talk of plows and farming, this song is permanently ruined.  It appears that Elton would sing anything that Taupin put in front of him.  He could tear a page out of a phone book and Elton would have wrapped a catchy tune around it.

Goodbye yellow brick road
Mr. Nussmeier can be reached at
316-5817
And don't step on these toads

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road revisited

Today we re-examine the Sir Elton John classic, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.'  We're having another look because an important element was inadvertently left out.  We're speaking, of course, of the pack of howling dogs of society that lurk on the yellow brick road.

We'd like to know, Mr. Taupin, just what the hell you're talking about?  The yellow brick road is filled with howling dogs?

Do they have rabies?  Elton doesn't warn us.  Maybe we should get a vaccination, just to be safe?

"Stay off that fucking brick road," the good witch says.

"You mean that yellow one?" says Dorothy.

"Yeah, that's the one.  The one with the howling dogs of society."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"You know?"

The good witch puts her hands in her pockets, looks down at the ground, and starts kicking at a spot in the dirt.  She adds, "The dogs?  You know, the dogs of society?"

"Oh that's right!  The dogs of society!  I like dogs!  Have you met Toto?  I keep him in this basket for some reason."

"Just stay off that fucking road.  Be right back - a toad is hopping by.  Never mind guys.  There are no horns on its back.  You were saying?"

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Today, we (our expert staff) examine the lyrics to the Sir Elton John classic, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.'

Even though it was written over forty years ago it still has numerous elements that remain pertinent today.

We aren't going to put the lyrics below or Sir Elton's legal team will throw us and our friends/family in a concentration camp.  The cops will be on their side, by the way.

Of course, Bernie Taupin wrote all of Elton's early stuff.  Then he threw the song over the cubicle wall and Elton put it to music.  The result can be a little strange.  For example, right out of the gate, Elton sings about how he "should have stayed on the farm."  Elton, like most of us from the 70s, grew up on a farm in 1936.  FDR was the only president we knew.  The dust bowl, the great depression, and the stock market crash were a recent memory.

Then they give us a break for a second, but like a Jehovah's Witness on a Saturday morning, they jump right back in again like nothing happened.  Taupin writes, and so Elton sings, about "... you can't lock me in your penthouse."  Yeah, we know the feeling!  Incidentally, the toilet runs in our penthouse.  Just jiggle the handle and it should stop.

Then Bernie hits us with this insane ultimatum: "... going back to my plow."  A penthouse or a plow?  Let us think about this one for a second.  Okay, we have an answer!  Since we live in 1936, there are no child labor laws, and the only one who can afford a swanky penthouse is Thurston Howell III, we choose the plow!

But it gets worse.  I guess somebody just put the lyric sheet in front of Elton and he did the song in one take.  But anyway, he sings repeatedly about "... hunting the horny back toad."  Then what do we do with it?  What does one do with a horny back toad?  How does one know the toad is horny?  And what the fuck is a horny back toad?

But it's still a classic.  Just don't read the lyrics to a song you like or you may discover back-breaking child labor.

The Cult - A YouTube Retrospective

Our first history lesson begins here.  From 1985.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCOSPtyZAPA

Here, the record company bought everybody lunch in order to keep costs low during the production of this one. Some pizzas for the crew and a salad for Ian Astbury, who does his best Steven Tyler impersonation.

This is especially impressive because it would be years before Steven Tyler became Steven Tyler.  Incidentally, Tyler traded his last $20 bill for what turned out to be a small bag of baking powder, and finally, his last $1 bill for a hot dog at a Providence Chevron station.  Aerosmith was in ruins, the hot dog was stale - it was probably spinning for hours, and Joe Perry was busy being a stay-at-home dad changing Katy's diaper. Meanwhile, Tyler was swapping blow-jobs for drugs in bathroom stalls of dirty nightclubs across New England.

And, today's second lesson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD5b_0QB0wI

Aside from Astbury, who looks like a zombie authority figure, or, a zombie policeman about to write a parking ticket, the rest of the band comes out of filming a Bananarama video.  Fresh off the success of the previous video, the record company spent an extra $50 and hired some dancing transvestites.  They are featured prominently in this video.  They steal the show with their interpretive 60s dance, "A fly is dive-bombing my head - just a second."  They also have really long arms, like Bigfoot does in that famous video.

Led Zeppelin is Stupid and Sucky

I've decided that they aren't that good and don't deserve this multi-decade long orgasmic hype-a-thon.  Sure, they seemed new at the time, I suppose, and that was good enough, since the world was fresh off Elvis and Robert Plant simply did the next logical thing, which was to not wear pants.  Big deal.

Stairway to Heaven is a shitty song filled with dumb platitudes and metaphors that would embarrass even the most pedestrian stoner, is repetitively annoying with all of the 'wondering,' and clocks in at 20 minutes.  'Free Bird' seems too short by comparison.

"When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed.  With a word she can get what she came for."

"Come back later when we're open, bitch."
"Uhh."
"Oh, sorry, you're the lady that buys stairways to heaven.  Why didn't you say so?"

I just hope they dug down at least six feet and poured a proper footing to get below the frost line so the large staircase doesn't heave in the springtime.  I know, I know.  I'm being too literal.  This bitch is actually paying off the local religious authorities in return for a guaranteed front-row blanket at Jesus' annual picnic.  I get it.

"There's a feeling I get when I look to the west."

I get all emotional when looking to the south south west.  I know how you feel.

"Ooh, it makes me wonder, Ooh, it really makes me wonder."

I wonder why I spent $9.99 on iTunes for this album.  It was this, Meat Loaf, or the Never Ending Story.  Then I learned that the Never Ending Story does, in fact, have an ending and Meat Loaf doesn't collapse at the end of the his album in a sweaty, cardiac episode.  So I got Led Zeppelin.

"Then the piper will lead us to reason. And a new day will dawn for those who stand long ."

A guy in green yoga pants will enlighten us?  Has anyone seen a piper lately?  Is that the same thing as Peter Pan?  'Dawn' rhymes with 'long.'  The sentence is clever because they are standing.  I get that too.  It's not a 'new day' I long for but a fucking chair.  This job has no benefits, shit pay, and I have to stand all fucking day long.  Go to Hell.

"If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now, It's just a spring clean for the May queen. Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on. And it makes me wonder."

Ten minutes in so far.  Total gibberish.  Still wondering about Meat Loaf.  'May Queen' must be a mistake.  They were talking about cleaning, so it must be 'Speed Queen,' a washing machine.  Fucking hippies don't do laundry regularly so that must be it.  Dirty, fucking hippies.  Another ten minutes to go.

"The piper's calling you to join him .."

More shit from the mythological piper.  Fuck off already.

"Our shadows taller than our soul."

He's obviously quite high at this point.  A soul has no dimensions.

"The tune will come to you at last. When all are one and one is all. To be a rock and not to roll."

The song doesn't end when it ends?  Great.  I wish this song was a food so I could make myself gag and throw it up.  I wish I had a Rolling Stones truck thing to haul it away to the dump, because it's so long it won't fit in my Malibu.  I wish I was wrapped up like a douche so I couldn't hear it.

By the way, most rocks don't roll very well unless they have substantial momentum, asshole.