Binder Clip

Today I examine the binder clip.  Because Steve is in the jail laundry room fighting off the advances of Bogs, I'm fresh out of ideas.  Steve was the idea man, as well as the expert photographer.  So, I started opening cabinets, came across a box of binder clips, and shouted, "Eureka!"

My buxom office assistant Jenna came rushing in, broke a heel, and said, "What is it Mr. Thornhill?"

"You broke a heel."

"Yeah I know.  What should I do, Mr. Thornhill?"

"I think you should take your shirt off."

"If you say so Mr. Thornhill."

Jenna sat on the corner of my mahogany desk and started unbuttoning her shirt -

Oh, wait, that didn't actually happen quite that way.  What actually happened was I opened a cabinet and came across this box of binder clips that I took from my last job.  I shouted, "I guess that will do."

The lady upstairs said, "What?"

I politely replied, "Nothing, you disgusting bitch-hole."

Anyway, I wish I still had that job.  It was pretty cushy.  It's a shame but I got fired for allegedly stealing office supplies.  What a fucking injustice that was.

So, let's examine the binder clip.  It's for attaching a lot of papers together - when there are too many for a paper clip.  They come in different sizes too.  That's about all there is to say about binder clips.

REO Speedwagon

Today I focus on the inspirational music of REO Speedwagon.  Normally WE would write this article but Steve got behind on child support so they threw him in jail.  In case you were wondering, Steve's son, Timmy, is doing great!  Thanks to medication, little Timmy no longer starts fires and has learned that cats don't like water.  Unfortunately, neither Steve nor his ex-wife can afford military school so for now the public school system will have to do.  Anyway, today it's just me.

To compliment religious TV (I can't afford cable) I've been listening to the collective inspirational works of REO Speedwagon.  Below is a list of some of their early hits.  This is not an exhaustive list.

The early songs of REO
Keep Pushin
Ridin' the Storm Out
Roll with the Changes (could easily be reclassified)
Only the Strong Survive

But the 80s came along and REO was caught flat-footed (whatever that means) so they had to adapt.  Their plan was to turn into a soft rock band.  Soft rock means that the drummer restrains himself so as not to offend dentists.

The latter (shitty) songs of REO are legion and make one want to drink gasoline to induce vomiting.  Their biggest hit from that period, 'When Loving Lovers Love' is shown below.

Steve's Photography

Steve wanted to show off his photography, which he is rather proud of, so he asked me put these pictures on my blog.  I said, "You know, you can have your own blog.  It's not a big deal."

He replied, "You know I can't work a fucking computer!  Besides, the fuckers don't work right around me because of the plate in my head.  Would you just do it?"

"Okay, okay!  But you have to get me a Big Mac."

"Sounds like a fair deal."

A Big Mac. 

Here's what it really looked like. 

Steve ran into a nearby office and took this picture of the lobby.  The receptionist called the police but Steve didn't wait around to see what was going to happen next.  He figured they were going to take his camera-phone and beat him with their batons.

This is Steve's half-sister at her graduation ceremony.  Actually, it was an online college so the place only had a mailbox at a UPS store.  So, we took Shelley to the mall and Steve snapped this photo so we could look back at Shelley's proud day. 

This angry duck stole Steve's hamburger. 

There's something in this photo but we don't remember.  Steve thinks it's Bigfoot. 

This is Steve's youngest half-sister Brittany posing in front of the liquor store.

Steve's cat - Mr. Vanderbilt. 

Led Zeppelin vs. A Baked Potato

Today we examine that age old question: Which is better, the group Led Zeppelin or a baked potato?  In one corner are one of the founding members of the heavy metal genre and in the opposite corner is a potato. 

But first let's have a look at the most prized possession in the rock and roll hall of fame.  I'm writing, of course, about Jimmy Page's first banjo. 

This the instrument used in their early classic, 'I'm Tired of Sitting on This Porch, I'm Going Inside.'  This was when Jimmy Page wrote the lyrics.  He then decided that something was lacking so they hired an expert - a houseplant.

Mr. Page would write the music and then throw the song over the cubicle wall and the houseplant would add squealing and some inexplicable lyrics.  To illustrate the point, please consider the houseplant's lyrics on 'The Rover.'  The houseplant sings (like a loose alternator belt) about joining hands as though it's a big problem. 

"Hey you kids!  Stop holding hands!  Smoke all the pot you want, though."

But anyway, this was supposed to be about Led Zeppelin versus a baked potato in a fight to the death.  A clash of titans.  A war of something.  Other clichés!

I'm sad to say that we didn't get very far because we got hungry and ate the potato.  It was a little bland and we wanted to add some butter but we didn't have any.  To be totally fair we ate Led Zeppelin's album 'Houses of the Holy' but it wasn't very good.  We (our photographer Steve) cut his mouth when chewing on it and I had to take him to the emergency room. 

#LedZeppelin