Promised Land - a movie review

This one has a lot of, uh, promise.  Yeah, that's the word I was looking for.  So let's jump in!

It stars Matt Damon as some guy who works for an evil corporation run by bald men.  Ben Affleck has been killed by Minnie Driver and she's in a women's prison serving 20 years to life.  After a lesbian, pillow fight scene that is completely incongruent, we jump to an expensive restaurant in a decadent big city.  Matt has lunch with a bald man from the evil corporation, Global something or other.  Global Amalgamated Diversified Holdings - a Textron ® company.

He explains much of the backstory, and orders a Lobster salad.  It seems he's good at talking to these country fucks because of years of therapy from Robin Williams, among other things.

The taxi driver takes Matt to the corner of 3rd street and Indiana avenue, whereupon he meets a hooker, and we have another uncomfortable sex scene.  It's very graphic, with Matt pulling a ball gag out of his carry-on, and the hooker beating Matt like the proverbial red headed step child.  That's all I'm going to say.

Next, we meet the Frances McDormand character.  She's in town investigating some malfeasance.  She rented a 1990 Ford Explorer from some guy named Eddie.  This part almost entirely killed my suspension of disbelief.  I mean, these stopped being rentals, like, a hundred years ago.  Like the Clint Eastwood character driving a 1965 Mustang Convertible in 'Trouble With the Curve.'  More like, 'Trouble With Incontinence.'

Then we're introduced to the Titus Welliver character, who runs a sex shop.  Matt attempts to pay for a dido with his corporate Amex card, Titus mumbles something about Deadwood, and angrily grabs the card.

Matt explains to this hayseed that Global will buy his family six months worth of frozen pizza dinners in exchange for his twenty acres.  The hayseed agrees to the deal.

Matt then has lunch with another bald man.  This man is particularly corrupt.  He sells out for a years worth of Snickers bars.

Matt gets drunk and picks up this chick.  Another weird sex scene follows.  Let's just say the audience was mortified.

 

Next we get the sanctimonious Hal Holbrook character.  He explains that he's a high school teacher.  Yeah sure, geriatric teachers.  That's it for me.  I stopped watching after that little gem.

I turned to Univision.  I don't understand Spanish, and that's fine by me.  It looked like they were having a Karaoke competition.

Damon will stay in Detroit

Damon will stay in Detroit

This is good news. Matt Damon decided he doesn't want to go back to Boston. Maybe Ben Affleck gave him another talk? Remember towards the end of Good Will Hunting when Affleck said, "why the fuck are you still here?[Boston]" They were pretty close in that movie and my sense is that Affleck had something to do with the decision.

Why would Damon consider returning to the scene of so many bad memories? First off there's the Minnie Driver character. Ten years have passed and her character's alcoholism and prostitution must certainly be in the final stages. That won't be pretty. Then there's Robin Williams who, again after ten years, strikes me as something of a bear, and the way he was eyeing Damon (see above) adds an entire layer of backstory that never struck me until now. It finally makes sense as to why Williams took such an interest in Damon, why he was always trying to get him drunk, and the reason for all the interminably long man hugs prevalent throughout the movie.

Anyway, Damon should realize that the sequel is always worse than the original. I can understand visiting for a two week vacation. Perhaps he can find a chaperone and spend time with Williams. After all it was Williams who recognized Damon's talent and encouraged him to follow his dreams, so a quick drop-in would be the polite thing to do. But to move back permanently when he has achieved so much success on his own seems like a mistake.

I can see him feeling bad for Affleck and Williams (both of whom have had sparse critical acclaim since GWH,) and he's probably thinking that a reunion could re-ignite their foundering careers. If it's Janitorial Arts that he longs for then maybe he could mop floors at Wayne State University part-time, and then go full-time during the off season. I'm sure they would love to have him. MIT is an impressive thing to see on somebody's resume.