This Life is Beyond Wonderful!

Today I examine a Christmas classic.  Rocky, of the liquor store, also sells deeply discounted DVDs, and I couldn't justify buying the actual movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," so I picked up, "Henry Potter and the Financial Crisis."  He assured me that it was "just as good" as a real Harry Potter movie and the bottle of vodka was inexpensive too.  So, it was a "win-win" situation.

This follows the day-to-day activities of Henry Potter, who owns a payday loan store.  Instead of a wand he points a pen at customers, and growls things like, "Where's my fucking money, you fucking deadbeat?  And tell your fucking kids to stop looking at me."

Sometimes he growls at employees to, saying things like, "The fucking line at your window is backing up you fucking dumb-ass."

Despite Potter's surly disposition, he proves to be an important source of liquidity during the financial crisis brought on by the reckless practices of George Bailey, owner of Bailey Financial Group, played by an obviously drunken Jimmy Stewart.

He made dangerous sub-prime loans all over Bedford Falls and then insured them, telling his banker pals during one of his extensive Martini lunches, "What could possibly go wrong?"

He decides to jump off a bridge (which seems totally reasonable - given that he has nearly destroyed the economy of Bedford Falls) but is accidently saved by a guardian angel, who thought Bailey was somebody else.  The angel says, "Goddammit, you're not Paulson!  I'm in the shit now."

The movie then plods along for two more hours.  I could have done without the lengthy (and graphic) domestic violence scene.  Luckily I had this bottle of vodka.  I feel ripped off and won't be getting anymore movies from the liquor store.

JK Rowling

So, the legion of Harry Potter fans got their collective panties on a bunch because of a cryptic tweet by author JK Rowling.

It went something like this, "Will you people get a fucking life?  You're making me crazy.  #getafuckinglifeyoupeoplearemakingmecrazy"

I've written two posts on [Mrs, Miss, Ms] Rowling over the [days, weeks, months, years].  It's rather timely stuff - The Casual Vacancy and Justice For Slytherin.

What the Harry Potter fans have apparently forgotten (it just slipped their minds while they were playing with their Green Lantern toys) is that Daniel Radcliffe is now angrily pointing his magic twig (wand) at his kids and drinking heavily.  So, they'll have to find somebody else to play Harry.  Unless the book is entitled, 'Harry Potter and the Dirty Diapers.'

If another Harry Potter movie makes its way into theaters I'll throw my Arugula salad at the screen and run out to my Prius.

Left Behind: a movie review

Today we review the excellent Christian movie, 'Left Behind.'  It stars Nicolas Cage as Rayford Steele, who is an airline pilot.

He spends most of the movie looking for the passengers on his plane, who have been freshly raptured by Jesus.

"But what are we going to do with all the extra meals?  Did one of them take the 'H' in my first name?  Empty your pockets, Jesus."

Here our hero (by the way, who names their kid Rayford?  What a dumb fucking name) threatens to crash the plane into a packed football stadium if Jesus doesn't return his 'H' in the next five minutes.

"You'd better give back my H or I'll crash this bitch!"

"Go ahead.  I'll just rapture the plane.  You'll look pretty stupid falling from 30,000 feet."

I give this movie 5 out of 5 stars.  I was on the edge of my seat for the entire movie, and not just because I spilled my Coke on my seat.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - a movie review

Today's movie review promises to be a good one.  We're going to have a look at Peter Jackson's excellent film, 'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.'  It's the second installment in the three-part film series based on the The Hobbit by J. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. Tolkien.  The story focuses on a Hobbit and his quest to find a suitable Christmas present for his elderly mother.

This movie is nothing like the cover.  I feel ripped off.

I must have misread the blurbs on the back of the DVD.  It's a documentary, and it's about the ongoing problem with Smaug.  It turns out it's not about a short, drawf-like creature such as Tom Cruise, it's actually about polluted air.  It's currently plaguing the Chinese, and mainly comes from cars.

According to the narrator (I think it's Sean Penn) we should all go back to riding horses, throwing buckets of piss out the window, and eating non-genetically modified sewage for breakfast.  I don't know what this has to do with Smaug. 

In the meantime we can learn how to save our buddy from choking on a piece of turkey. 

I only watched the first part of this stupid movie so it gets an incomplete, but if I could I would give it -10 stars out of 5.  It was that shitty.

Promised Land - a movie review

This one has a lot of, uh, promise.  Yeah, that's the word I was looking for.  So let's jump in!

It stars Matt Damon as some guy who works for an evil corporation run by bald men.  Ben Affleck has been killed by Minnie Driver and she's in a women's prison serving 20 years to life.  After a lesbian, pillow fight scene that is completely incongruent, we jump to an expensive restaurant in a decadent big city.  Matt has lunch with a bald man from the evil corporation, Global something or other.  Global Amalgamated Diversified Holdings - a Textron ® company.

He explains much of the backstory, and orders a Lobster salad.  It seems he's good at talking to these country fucks because of years of therapy from Robin Williams, among other things.

The taxi driver takes Matt to the corner of 3rd street and Indiana avenue, whereupon he meets a hooker, and we have another uncomfortable sex scene.  It's very graphic, with Matt pulling a ball gag out of his carry-on, and the hooker beating Matt like the proverbial red headed step child.  That's all I'm going to say.

Next, we meet the Frances McDormand character.  She's in town investigating some malfeasance.  She rented a 1990 Ford Explorer from some guy named Eddie.  This part almost entirely killed my suspension of disbelief.  I mean, these stopped being rentals, like, a hundred years ago.  Like the Clint Eastwood character driving a 1965 Mustang Convertible in 'Trouble With the Curve.'  More like, 'Trouble With Incontinence.'

Then we're introduced to the Titus Welliver character, who runs a sex shop.  Matt attempts to pay for a dido with his corporate Amex card, Titus mumbles something about Deadwood, and angrily grabs the card.

Matt explains to this hayseed that Global will buy his family six months worth of frozen pizza dinners in exchange for his twenty acres.  The hayseed agrees to the deal.

Matt then has lunch with another bald man.  This man is particularly corrupt.  He sells out for a years worth of Snickers bars.

Matt gets drunk and picks up this chick.  Another weird sex scene follows.  Let's just say the audience was mortified.

 

Next we get the sanctimonious Hal Holbrook character.  He explains that he's a high school teacher.  Yeah sure, geriatric teachers.  That's it for me.  I stopped watching after that little gem.

I turned to Univision.  I don't understand Spanish, and that's fine by me.  It looked like they were having a Karaoke competition.