JK Rowling

So, the legion of Harry Potter fans got their collective panties on a bunch because of a cryptic tweet by author JK Rowling.

It went something like this, "Will you people get a fucking life?  You're making me crazy.  #getafuckinglifeyoupeoplearemakingmecrazy"

I've written two posts on [Mrs, Miss, Ms] Rowling over the [days, weeks, months, years].  It's rather timely stuff - The Casual Vacancy and Justice For Slytherin.

What the Harry Potter fans have apparently forgotten (it just slipped their minds while they were playing with their Green Lantern toys) is that Daniel Radcliffe is now angrily pointing his magic twig (wand) at his kids and drinking heavily.  So, they'll have to find somebody else to play Harry.  Unless the book is entitled, 'Harry Potter and the Dirty Diapers.'

If another Harry Potter movie makes its way into theaters I'll throw my Arugula salad at the screen and run out to my Prius.

The Casual Vacancy - a book review

I'm thinking of renaming this blog to better represent my current interests.  It's a toss-up between 'Book Corner: Weekly Book Reviews' and 'Fuck You All - Especially Children and People in Wheelchairs.'  Let's try the book review deal, because Mr. Google gets all confused when you type 'people in wheelchairs are stupid fuck these people' into the search box.

Today's book is J.K. Rowling's novel, The Casual Vacancy.  Here's what it looks like.

It's about a woman who used to be a famous bestselling author, but gave it all up to pursue her childhood dream of becoming a slumlord.  Now on to the actual review.

This (above) is an artist's rendering of the prologue.  Okay, I just searched Google images for 'book.'  The prologue is rather profane, but here it is: "Fuck Harry.  I hate him.  You people will buy anything with my name on it.  How about I vomit all over this keyboard?  You'll buy it.  I'm calling it 'Puke.'  Maybe you'll like the final book in the Harry Potter series, tentatively entitled, 'Harry Potter and Ron Weasley Make Passionate Love.'  The publisher is recommending a different title.  They want to call it 'Now My Twig Points At You.'  They say that will make it easier to sell."

Rowling goes on like this for another ten pages.  I found it to be an engaging eleven page rant.  It explained much about the motivations of the characters whom we have yet to meet. 

This (see picture above) is about in the middle.  It's clear that Rowling passed out drunk on the keyboard because we get 24 pages of the letter O.  SPOILER ALERT!  I thought this was an effective way to illustrate why the baby committed suicide. 

This is the end of the book.  Rowling tries to collect the rent from one of her tenants.  "Fuck you, bitch!" are his last words.  She pulls a knife out of her purse and stabs him in the gut, presumably, as a warning to other tenants. 

Some parts of the book seemed rushed, like the auto-asphyxiation chapter, while others plodded along, like the chapter where Rowling bought her first substandard house.  Overall it was a good read and well worth a few hours of my mortality.  I give it 4.59 stars out of 5.  I can't afford to pay an artist to make a star that's 59% colored.

Justice for Slytherin

It's finally over.  I'm not a Harry Potter hater, because I only saw the first movie, and while I won't go so far to say that it sucked, it was pretty stupid.  The film contained at least two elements that almost ruined it and one which actually did ruin it at the end.

1)  Magic wands.  They are essentially small sticks or twigs - hardly something to be feared.  I've seen cigars that were bigger.  Why not a baseball bat?   I'd run like hell if somebody pointed a baseball bat (especially aluminum) at me.  A chick must have written this book. 

2)  That stupid game.  The game towards the beginning of the flick.  It was basically airborne polo with brooms instead of horses.  Okay, it was stupid enough but it didn't leave me in a rage until they introduced the dumb fucking ball.  Catch the DFB and your team wins no matter what.  The rest of the game is henceforth pointless.  Why not send the entire team out for the DFB?  A chick must have written this book.

3)  Politics.  Slytherin clearly was best-in-breed (in addition to having the best characters) and racked up an impressive points lead by the end of the film.  Then, in a blatant display of cronyism, Dumblecock, Dumbledouche, Dickensdorf, or whatever the fuck his name was, starts handing out points willy-nilly, in flagrant disregard of the rules and the points system.  The reason everybody was gathered in the big hall in the first place was a ceremonial presentation of the trophy.  All of us knew who won.

It's as though the Yankees outscored the Cubs 5-2 in the final game of the World Series, and major league commissioner Jeff Gordon, unilaterally decides that it's "about time" Chicago won one and gives them a free grand slam for, "courage and perseverance," or some abstract thing.

Why there weren't riots in movie theaters across the globe is beyond my ability to understand.