JK Rowling

So, the legion of Harry Potter fans got their collective panties on a bunch because of a cryptic tweet by author JK Rowling.

It went something like this, "Will you people get a fucking life?  You're making me crazy.  #getafuckinglifeyoupeoplearemakingmecrazy"

I've written two posts on [Mrs, Miss, Ms] Rowling over the [days, weeks, months, years].  It's rather timely stuff - The Casual Vacancy and Justice For Slytherin.

What the Harry Potter fans have apparently forgotten (it just slipped their minds while they were playing with their Green Lantern toys) is that Daniel Radcliffe is now angrily pointing his magic twig (wand) at his kids and drinking heavily.  So, they'll have to find somebody else to play Harry.  Unless the book is entitled, 'Harry Potter and the Dirty Diapers.'

If another Harry Potter movie makes its way into theaters I'll throw my Arugula salad at the screen and run out to my Prius.

Book Corner: Kindle Books

Here are just a few of the outstanding books I'm currently reading on my Kindle.  Many of them are free or just $1.

This is the two part story of Kevin and his journey where he finally becomes a man, from his dangerous descent into the grimy streets of a poor Philadelphia neighborhood, to his budding Heroin addiction, as well as his obsession with full-figured black women.

We'll cover this prolific author in greater detail a bit later.

This is actually a cookbook.  It's the story of a man who travels the country sharing his delicious roadkill recipes.

The first one is the story of a haunted, one-room church.  It seems to be plagued by the ghost of a city inspector.

"Those bleeding walls aren't up to code.  I'm afraid I can't give you an occupancy permit until you fix it."

These are the stories of the terrified congregation.

The second book is about a person walking on a snow covered path in a symmetrical forest.  This person is going to or from a pair of twin girls with half faces.  Maybe it's not winter after all.  Maybe the person is walking to or from the twins in the summer and the path in the symmetrical forest is lit by the Moon.  I don't fucking know.

As we can infer from the title, this one is about a pandemic that begins in a small African country that nobody has ever heard of and quickly travels to America using an infected host.  Very timely.

This is a three part series.  The alternate title of the second one was 'My Devouring Love: Pretty Good Shoveling Job, Huh?' 

From page 104 of the third one, "Honey, it's cold out today - you'd better wear your winter coat.  Oh, and look out for the zombies."

Winning the award for the most hastily assembled, disturbing cover that one will ever see, is the literary classic, 'Plea From a Stranger.'  Never mind the sick imagery for a minute, let's ask ourselves why there are black blobs of shit falling on this poor woman?  I actually read some of this one.  It starts out with a guy driving home in the snow - all the while lamenting the driving skills of others.  Then he fills up his car's gas tank, but the guy working that evening is "surly."  I guess the depressed attendant is the reason why our hero imprisons the blond woman in his basement.

Book Corner: a book review

For this week's installment of Book Corner, we review a book covered in blood that somebody shot numerous times.  Here's a picture.

I flipped it over to get a look at the cover and this one is called, The ×××××× ××××.   I couldn't make out most of the words because of the bullet holes.  I flipped it over again and the author bio was totally obscured by a large blood stain.  I started reading but the first twenty pages or so were stuck together because of the blood so I can't really tell you how the prostitute got murdered.  It must have been the hedge fund manager.  He probably killed her.

Dried blood kept flaking off the book as I turned each page and it was then that I noticed the centipede crawling up my sofa.  I smacked the bug with the blood spattered book and then I threw both into a trash can.  Besides, the timer on the oven was beeping, my pizza was done.

A Book I Found - a book review

So, I found this book on the sidewalk, and being an avid reader, I wiped the dog excrement off the cover and started reading.  A homeless man was reaching for it (I think he was going to use it for a pillow) but I got to it first.  Then I punched him in the face, and yelled, "My book!"

It's called 'The Death of the Sales Person' and it's about Willy Lowmen, his business struggles, and the man holding his wife hostage in the Nakatomi building. 

Here, the Bruce Willis character climbs through an HVAC duct for some reason that eludes me. 

Here, the Hans Gruber character (the hero) explains his way out of a tight jam.   He does this numerous times throughout the book.  Spoiler alert!  Sadly, he gets thrown off the Nakatomi building by the Bruce Springsteen character. 

I tossed this book back where I found it.  I don't recommend it and give 2 out of 5 stars.  Someday I'll have some star graphics. 

The Perkins File - a book review

Today's book review is an ebook, called The Perkins File.

Here's a picture of the cover, which is stupid.  Luckily, you can read the first 20% for free.  This ensures that you don't waste too much of your mortally on this stupid novel.  It's about a cat who lives in a garbage dump.  I don't know for sure.  I didn't actually read much of it.  The battery in my tablet died halfway through the book. 

There's no prologue.  Apparently nobody ever told this guy that every novel must have a prologue.  I should know because I read so many books and they all have prologues.  This is where talented authors explain the motivations of the main characters, provide important details about the setting, and insert facts about the story which they inadvertently left out. 

Here's the middle of the book.  The author introduces yet another character - there must be two dozen - it's getting difficult to keep them straight.  At least five of them are named Robert-Billy, which really fucks with my suspension of disbelief.

This is the end of the book.  I don't know what happens.  I assume the Marty McFly character gets the space-time continuum back as it should be and gets the girl, but who gives a shit.  I give this novel 0.1 stars out of 5.  I don't recommend this book.  It's total rubbish. 

The Casual Vacancy - a book review

I'm thinking of renaming this blog to better represent my current interests.  It's a toss-up between 'Book Corner: Weekly Book Reviews' and 'Fuck You All - Especially Children and People in Wheelchairs.'  Let's try the book review deal, because Mr. Google gets all confused when you type 'people in wheelchairs are stupid fuck these people' into the search box.

Today's book is J.K. Rowling's novel, The Casual Vacancy.  Here's what it looks like.

It's about a woman who used to be a famous bestselling author, but gave it all up to pursue her childhood dream of becoming a slumlord.  Now on to the actual review.

This (above) is an artist's rendering of the prologue.  Okay, I just searched Google images for 'book.'  The prologue is rather profane, but here it is: "Fuck Harry.  I hate him.  You people will buy anything with my name on it.  How about I vomit all over this keyboard?  You'll buy it.  I'm calling it 'Puke.'  Maybe you'll like the final book in the Harry Potter series, tentatively entitled, 'Harry Potter and Ron Weasley Make Passionate Love.'  The publisher is recommending a different title.  They want to call it 'Now My Twig Points At You.'  They say that will make it easier to sell."

Rowling goes on like this for another ten pages.  I found it to be an engaging eleven page rant.  It explained much about the motivations of the characters whom we have yet to meet. 

This (see picture above) is about in the middle.  It's clear that Rowling passed out drunk on the keyboard because we get 24 pages of the letter O.  SPOILER ALERT!  I thought this was an effective way to illustrate why the baby committed suicide. 

This is the end of the book.  Rowling tries to collect the rent from one of her tenants.  "Fuck you, bitch!" are his last words.  She pulls a knife out of her purse and stabs him in the gut, presumably, as a warning to other tenants. 

Some parts of the book seemed rushed, like the auto-asphyxiation chapter, while others plodded along, like the chapter where Rowling bought her first substandard house.  Overall it was a good read and well worth a few hours of my mortality.  I give it 4.59 stars out of 5.  I can't afford to pay an artist to make a star that's 59% colored.