Camping With a Dictator

Today's installment of Camping With a Dictator features the notorious and hugely popular Kim Jong-un.

We roast hot dogs and marshmallows over a fire, and Kim (we call him Kim but you'd better call him the 'Excellent and Revered Leader' or your family will spend Christmas in a Prison Camp (that's a Bing Crosby song, by the way)) whipped out his guitar and treated us to Bob Dylan classics.

Here, we played hangman using real people.  Kim Jong-un didn't allow photographs to be taken, and besides, he had our photographer killed, so pardon the juvenile drawing.  We'll do much better on the next post.  Kim Jong-un then had our juvenile killed and his drawing replaced with the one below.

Here is a satellite view of our campsite.  After being led into a field at gunpoint (a bayonet attached to a rifle, actually) and forced to dig for fourteen hours straight, we returned to our rooms.  Below is an artist's rendering of our accommodations.  We used an artist from India and the drawing only cost us $1.49.

The artist was later tracked down and killed.  Overall, this was the worst time we've had on Camping With a Dictator.  The food was terrible.  We've had much better bread and water.  The rooms were badly appointed and the constant surveillance by our guides was a big turn-off.  And there was nothing to watch on state run TV, just old Dukes of Hazzard episodes.

Facial Hair

How might history be different if Hitler had an Abe Lincoln beard instead of his famous mustache?  What came first, Hitler or the Hitler mustache?  Would he still have had to violently seize Danzig if he wore a Lincoln beard?  And just why did Neville Chamberlain love punk rock so much?  Was the conflagration of Europe a foregone conclusion?  What about other bands, like the Ramones?  Is this why they were so popular in England?  What if Lincoln had a Hitler mustache?  Would John Wilkes Booth still have assassinated him?  These questions have been plaguing historians for decades - like an untreated venereal disease plagues a sailor.

First off, Hitler tried a number of facial hair styles but landed on the Hitler mustache because, for whatever reason, that's what Eva wanted.  It was purely coincidental that it was called a Hitler mustache.  He assumed this was yet another sign from God that he was supposed to be in charge of killing all the Jews.

In his autobiographical manifesto, 'Mein Kampf,' Hitler explains the facial hair decision.  "Ich wollte einen Spitzbart, der Art wie Shakespeare, aber die Schlampe Eva sagte der Führer sollte einen Hitlerbart haben."  I don't speak German so I asked a homeless man standing on the corner of a busy intersection holding a cardboard sign to translate the passage.  His translation is below:

"Get the fuck off my corner, asshole!  There ain't much sunlight left!  Find your own fucking place to stand!"

It turns out that the autobiographical manifesto, 'Mein Kampf,' is laced with profanity and isn't suitable reading for children.  I guess I'll have to reorder those Christmas presents.

What was I writing?  I've lost my train of thought.  I guess it wasn't important.