Stocks and Blondes

I love the stock market.  I manage my own investments and am doing quite well.  They're gonna help pay for a Starbuck's Cinnamon Dolce Latte every morning when I'm retired.  I can easily spend the whole day watching the symbols, charts, graphs, tickers, trades, and blinking numbers go up, down, sideways, or whatever.  I had the same problem when I was a kid when I'd watch game shows like the Price is Right. They had some great blinking lights that always fascinated and obsessed me.

Then I hit puberty and became fascinated by the tits and ass that belonged to the chicks whose job it was to help out Bob Barker by pointing at shit.  It was also their job to strip out of their clothes and into bikinis when they gave away a speed boat or a hot tub.  Years later, as an adult, I learned that part of their job was to fuck old man Barker.  I understand he was quite the prevo.

Anyway, I rarely gamble.  I hardly never ever buy lottery tickets.  The odds are so terrible and the payout is so low.  But I love to gamble in the markets.  At least when I put money down on JP Morgan Chase they don't take the entire bet away from me in five minutes if I lose.  In the markets they never take it away.  I can keep my JPM bet on for twenty minutes or twenty years.  Of course I may have nothing left of my bet in twenty minutes or twenty years, but the choice is mine.

I've decided to setup two hypothetical stock portfolios, each one relatively diversified.  The first one is my If I Had $42,000 portfolio.  This one is a little heavy on the commodities, with oil, gold, and steel exposure, but I like it overall.  If you really care then you can go look up the symbols yourself.

This one is my $50,000 conservative old guy portfolio.  Each stock pays at least around a 3.5% dividend, with MO at 6.1%.  BMY and ED are each over 4.75%.

Case Reopened

On the evening of Aug. 17, 1980, Lindy Chamberlain heard a cry coming from her tent. Lindy, her husband Michael and their three children were camping in Ayers Rock (now called Uluru) in Australia's Northern Territory. Lindy had put her 10-week-old daughter Azaria to sleep in their tent. After the cry, Lindy rushed back to check on her and saw a dingo leaving the area, clenching something in its jaws. Azaria was no longer in the tent, and Lindy screamed the now infamous line, "A dingo's got my baby!"

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2025730,00.html#ixzz12vDg2wZv

I thought I should tell you

So, I'm all fucked up.

Perhaps it's a form of payback by your god for something I did. Judging by what I've seen, I don't think your god is involved much in the day-to-day operations here on Earth, I doubt he's even heard about me, so I don't believe my own theory, and I don't believe in the nutty old man's existence anyway. But it's perfectly normal to ask “why me?” However, with six billion other people here, 200 billion stars like our Sun in the galaxy, each with the possibility of planets like Earth spinning around them, and 100 billion galaxies in the observable universe, I'd bet your god has trouble keeping track of it all. The perfectly normal question ought to be, “why not me?”

The thing is - I now have a pre-existing condition - although it's undiagnosed. I love irony even when I'm the target and a good joke is still good even if it's on me. I wrote that piece long after I became all fucked up so it doesn't really count, and it's not all that ironic. Irony is that guy who ran all the time, wrote all those books about how running was so great for your health, and then dropped dead of a massive stroke while he was out jogging.

Anyway, let's talk about blood - since I've given so much of it lately in order for them to run tests. I was curious so I asked that they find out what my blood type is. It's AB positive. After a little studying at Mr. Google's domestic partner, Mr. Wikipedia (they share a condo together in Silicon Valley but they're not gay, or so they say), I found out 5% of the world has AB+ blood. Odds are that you're type A+, B+, or type O+, which altogether makes up 85% – over a billion barrels. What it all means is beyond my four minutes of intensive research. One thing I found is that if I happen to be low a quart of blood, I can top-off with any old blood I want. You're all potential donors to me!

Your blood will work fine in my system assuming it's still fresh and not too salty. And not if you're an Arab. No offense intended - it's only because I support our country's goal of reducing our dependence on foreign blood, not because all of you are terrorists - I couldn't care less who you blow up. The best part: you probably can't use my blood – it only works for people in my little AB+ clan. Unless we are both AB+ then your body will hate my blood and you'll suffer a horrible, intensely bad reaction to it and it may just kill you. Sorta like a Justin Bieber show.

Anyway, furthermore, while I'm at it, and other unlisted, abrupt transitions, here's the fuckery that has got me all fucked up.  When I speak it sounds like I've been drinking heavily. It's becoming increasingly difficult to talk without sounding like I've had a few. Words with the letter B trip me up.

“A dingo stole my bay-he!”
“A dingo stole your what?”
“My bay-he.”
“Your what?
“My bay-he!”
“Your what?”
“My BABY!”
“There are no dingos in North America and you don't own any children. You're fucking drunk!”
“I wish.”

When I walk it looks like I'm shit-faced. Next time I get pulled over I'll run the risk of getting hauled away for drunk driving because I'll fail the road-side sobriety tests, aside from the breathalizer. As long as I don't have to speak to the cop then I should be okay and (s)he won't have a reason to run any tests.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You're looking for a stolen bay-he?”
“You stole what?”
“A bay-he.”
“You stole what?”
“A bay-he.”
“You stole what?”
“A child.”
“Outta the car, Thornhill.”

And then there's the dizziness if I move my head too much. Go spin around in an office chair for a couple turns and you'll know how it feels. I have this all the time. In addition, my handwriting and typing skills have deteriorated to the point to where my writing looks like that of a psychopath and my delete key is almost broken from overuse. I've lost all fine motor control. Go drink about six drinks (an average, so-so night for me back in the day) and we'll compare our comparisons. I could go on. I don't feel like it.

All this is controlled by the Cerebellum, which is a region of your brain that looks like a Cauliflower. Why they didn't just call this the 'Cauliflower Region' instead of the Cerebellum is anyone's guess. I'll be getting an MRI scan soon and I'm guessing (in decreasing order of probability) that it will show damage to the Cauliflower Region, from years of massive drinking or an exotic genetic disorder, a brain tumor, or maybe it will show nothing and these problems will stop their progression.

I thought I should tell you.

Voting

As I was returning to the office with my McDonald's #11 value meal, NPR was talking about this season's contests in your precious, little democracy. All I managed to gather was that some politicians are running for Governor or something, all of us should care about it, and all of us should get out and vote to stop it. Politics on my car stereo hits me in exactly the same way as turpentine in my morning glass of V8 juice, so I desperately tried to get the CD changer to play some Eminem. I was thinking any track of 'The Marshall Mathers LP' would be a good fit for my developing rage. But the player was jammed up and wouldn't go.

A few minutes went by and they continued to talk about politics. Naturally, I started to wish for death. Then I wondered: what are the voter turnout statistics among those with terminal illnesses? Do the political parties have any outreach programs to overcome the (understandable) apathy among this demographic? The group could be this year's swing vote. Just like a few years ago when the Christians were all obsessed with gay marriage.

So, I dropped on by the DNC and RNC to pose the question. I doubt that I'll get a reply but you'll be the fist to know.

Cops, Doctors, and Lawyers II

I recently discovered that the 'The Good Wife' on CBS is not only apparently all about a good wife, but I hear she's a swell lawyer too. The trailers indicate that it's a story with a politician (probably another fucking lawyer) and his good wife. I guess the 'The Good Wife' wasn't quite good enough in bed so the husband (played by some chode - who gives a shit) sought out a 'Good Transvestite,' most likely during a re-election cycle. I think the 'The Good Wife' should sleep with Tom Selleck's mustache, in a special two hour, cross-promotional episode, as a payback to her cheating husband.

I can't possibly squeeze this one into my schedule - my DVR is already backed up with 30 hours of other law enforcing, law making, life saving professionals.

Cops, Doctors, and Lawyers

The new TV season is almost upon us.  America has a criminal justice fetish and so we can never have enough cops, doctors and lawyers.  Thank god we've got plenty of each kind (thanks god), but mostly cops.  Technically speaking, just about every cop show has a doctor or a lawyer, and every lawyer show needs a cop to lie at the trial about the handgun or the dimebag they planted on the defendant, but I had to categorize each show for the sake of my handy table.  I haven't included the TNT original shows in my table, but they have 'Rizzoli & Isles' in some bad-guy-chasing, dirty-over-thirty, super-hot, girl-on-girl action.  They have a chick called 'The Closer.'  Evidentially she's a cop, but she finds the time to help you close shit, like a 30 year mortgage re-fi.  TNT also has one or more cop shows with 'blue' in the title, like dark blue, rookie blue, navy blue, or some fucking thing. And CBS gives us another 'blue' show, this one starring Tom Selleck's mustache, called 'Blue Bloods.'

Your DVR is going to get quite a workout this fall as many shows are stacked upon each other, especially on Friday night, but we can catch up over the weekend.  Wednesday night looks particularly good and is our best chance of the entire week to see lawyers doggedly pursuing truth, justice, and other whimsical fantasies based upon our judicial system.
Here's a list for each night so you can plan appropriately.

Day	Time	Show	Cops	Doctors	Lawyers
Monday	8:00	House		✔
	10:00	Hawaii Five-O	✔
		Castle	✔
		Chase	✔
Tuesday	8:00	NCIS	✔
	9:00	NCIS: Los Angeles	✔
	10:00	Detroit 187	✔
Wednesday	9:00	Criminal Minds	✔
		Law & Order: SVU	✔		✔
	10:00	Law & Order: Los Angeles	✔		✔
		The Whole Truth			✔
Thursday	8:00	Bones	✔
	9:00	Grey's Anatomy		✔
		CSI	✔
	10:00	Private Practice		✔
		The Mentalist	✔
Friday	8:00	Medium	✔
	9:00	CSI: New York	✔
		Body of Proof		✔
		Good Guys	✔
	10:00	Blue Bloods	✔
		Outlaw			✔
Saturday	8:00	Cops	✔
	8:30	Cops	✔
Sunday	10:00	CSI: Miami	✔

Fantasy Football

Here is my all-pro, all-star, fantasy football team.

Wide Receivers

Braylon Edwards - [10/26/2009] - Charged with misdemeanor assault, accused of punching friend of LeBron James at club Oct. 5. Edwards was traded to the New York Jets a few days after the incident.

Plaxico Burress - [12/1/2008] - Turned himself on charge of criminal possession of a handgun after accidentally shooting himself in thigh at New York nightclub. He did not have permit for the Glock pistol. Indicted on two counts of criminal possession of a weapon and one count of reckless endangerment.

Terry Glenn - [12/30/2005] - Cited for public intoxication after urinating outside Jack In The Box restaurant.

I know that I can have only 2 wide receivers, but I had to make room for Plaxico because his name sounds like a weather resistant, space-age building material.  And well, I need a player on my team who carries a concealed weapon since I have so many players with criminal backgrounds.

Offensive Line

Cornell Green - [3/21/2009] - Arrested in Tampa after allegedly slamming the mother of his two children against wall and hitting her with mop handle.

Richard Collier - [11/3/2007] - Charged with DUI after being found asleep behind wheel at McDonald's drive-thru window.

Jeremy Bridges - [12/7/2008] - Arrested, charged with two counts of simple assault and battery and one count of communicating threats after incident at restaurant.

Chris Naeole - [6/27/2004] - Police used a Taser to subdue Naeole before arresting him on a charge of disorderly conduct at a bar in Jacksonville Beach.

Quinn Ojinnaka - [5/26/2009] - Charged with simple battery after wife said she was tossed down stairs by him. Wife said fight was over one of his female friends on Facebook.

Sean Locklear - [1/15/2006] - Arrested on a charge of assault for allegedly choking his girlfriend outside a downtown Seattle nightspot.

Kenyatta Jones - [10/21/2003] - Arrested for allegedly assaulting his roommate with scalding water.

I think this will be a real good front line.  They can decide for themselves who snaps the ball.  I don't really care.  The defense is never gonna see my plays coming.  Right after the snap - POW!  They'll get a face full of super-heated, premium roast coffee.  Anybody who gets through my line with less than 3rd degree burns will then have to get past my man Green and face a savage beating with a some sort of cleaning device.

Tight Ends

Matt Spaeth - [10/18/2009] - Cited for public urination outside restaurant near Steelers' stadium after game. Teammate Jeff Reed arrested as part of incident.

Kolomona Kapanui - [5/3/2009] - Arrested on obscenity and disturbing the peace charges. He allegedly urinated in public and exposed himself to women.

These tight ends have small bladders.  I'll setup some portable toilets just past the end zone so they'll run like hell to get there.

Running Backs

Lionel Gates - [3/29/2007] - Arrested, charged with hitting pregnant woman in face.

Michael Pittman - [5/31/2003] - Pittman was charged with aggravated assault after police said he used his Hummer to ram a car carrying his wife, 2-year-old son and a babysitter.

I'll hire America's greatest running back, O.J. Simpson, to keep these guys in line and provide them with the proper training.  They obviously have no clue when it comes to domestic violence.  O.J.'s tutelage will help them both on and off the field.

I've been thinking long and hard about my quarterback - the most important player on the field.  Michael Vick would be an obvious choice, but I can't see how cruelty to animals will help us in the QB position. However, I would like to consider him for place kicker if he's available.  Kicking a football is just like kicking a small dog, so I bet he's good.

Anyway, since this is fantasy football, my QB will be a nanomorph, mimetic, poly-alloy (liquid metal) assassin, just like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.  Except that he will be outfitted with state-of-the-art neurologic transceiving implants, so that we can hook up Bo Schembechler's head - which is still in deep-freeze at that Arizona cryolab, right next to Ted Williams.

Visit the NFL Arrests Database to build your own team.