Challenge

As a purported writer, I've decided that I should challenge myself with daily writing goals.  This will help keep my skills sharp.  That's why I used the word purported.  So, I'm challenging myself to write one post per day for the next day.  Here goes:

The weather isn't horrific.

Now I can get back to The Sopranos marathon on A&E.

Alaska

Just when we've finally got enough cops, doctors, and lawyers, to fill the E.R and the swanky corner office with a two year supply of donuts, now we learn that we need plenty of shows about Alaska too.  We've got some idiots with annoying facial hair mining for gold, we've got a new show where some people fly a plane to remote areas and deliver porn, and we've got Sarah Palin.  What is there to say about her that hasn't already been said?  I wouldn't fuck her with a ten foot dick or a even a stolen dick - whichever happens to be nearby.  I'll leave it there.

We'll have a new season of Deadliest Catch soon which is getting tiring after years of watching fishermen catch crabs, transfer crabs onto shelves, sort crabs, and finally, transfer crabs into tanks.  Even the concocted drama aspect of the show is getting old.  Will they catch enough crabs?  Will they run into a snowstorm?  Will the traps have enough crabs in them after this commercial?

I'd like to see a show called, "Alaska:  It's Just Too Fucking Cold Here."  I know what you're thinking.  But the wild, final frontier, nature of Alaska is so beautiful!  A hypothermia victim is a beautiful sight to a starving polar bear.  Let's have another show called, "Alaska:  Let's Plunder Its Resources While We're Still Able."  There's a reason why there are no drilling rigs or miners in Malibu.  It's just too nice and we wouldn't want to fuck it up.

They had a show called "Ice Road Truckers."  I kinda liked that one.  The truckers had to deliver equipment to a well-capitalized, corporate mining operation.  Occasionally a truck would fall through the ice into a lake just after the commercial.  That one was good.  The newest one is, "Alaska:  Gold Rush."  This one features a half-dozen fools, their children, and an old guy with an irritating, squeaky, old man voice, who likes to drive a tractor into a ditch while shouting to his idiot son, "There's gold in that ditch!"  His irritating voice is offset by his gray beard which is, thankfully, well-trimmed.  Anyway, he narrowly misses the ditch and runs over another miner's child.  A hungry bear sees a fresh ground beef brunch, so he runs over to eat the child's remains.  This show has some promise.

But they're idiots.  Agnico Eagle Mines (NYSE: AEM) can pull gold out of the ground at a cost of $420 per ounce.  I doubt the idiots find much gold and I doubt their cost-basis is anywhere under the spot price when the show was filmed.  Instead of putting all their money into tractors and supplies, they should have just bought a precious metals ETF.

Cat

This is little Stephen.  He's been added to the small list of mammals that I allow into my life.

Staunch Defense of Hot-cakes

I'm getting a bit sick of you people and the way you talk.  You're still using expressions from the 20th century or even worse, the 19th century.  Think up some new ones - willya please?  Do I have to be responsible for all the creativity around here?  The next time I hear you say, "I'm a staunch defender of candidate first-name last-name," I promise I'll beat you within in an inch of your life.

Whoops.  An inch of your life is a worn-out expression, isn't it?

Let's try this: I promise I'll beat you within 2.54 centimeters of your life.  The rest of the world uses the metric system, by the way.  We should at least update the units of measure in our tired expressions.

Anyway, everybody is a staunch defender or a firm believer.

"I firmly believe in universal healthcare and I'm a staunch supporter of abortion rights."

"Good for you!  I slightly believe in national healthcare.  I'm not sure about the universe.  I'd like to staunchly punch you in the fucking face though, or the abdomen - if you're pregnant."

Here's another one that bugs me to no end.

"They're selling like hot-cakes."

My mother uses the word hot-cake.  She's 87 years old.  A hot-cake is actually a donut. [Edit 1/5/10:  I asked my mother about this and she said a hot-cake is a pancake.  She added, "I really don't fucking know what a fucking hot-cake is.  What the fuck, son?"]  I imagine they were invented when my mother was a little girl and I imagine they sold like hot-cakes when they first came out.  Hot-cakes sales must have surely skyrocketed.

Incidentally, I'll be firing skyrockets at my house this next 4th of July.  Maybe you can attend?

Things always skyrocket.  Unemployment.  Crime.  Syphilis infections two months after a Republican or Democratic National Committee convention.

"I've got good news!  Our 3rd quarter revenue is going to be higher than expected.  Hot-cake sales are skyrocketing.  They're off the chart!"

"Really?  Maybe we should get a bigger chart.  Hey, have you seen my horseless carriage keys?  I must have misplaced them.  I have to get to the store - they're having a sale on hot-cakes and skyrockets.  I have to go before it gets dark - crime is at epidemic proportions."

I was gonna do some more ranting in a similar vein about how proportions are always epidemic, but I'm bored with this piece already.  You can't hit a home-run everyday.  Over and out.

Thornhill - Apparently Not Very Hot

Here's the insulting, bullshit summary from my report from an allegedly qualified radiologist.

In regards to the MRI: "... unremarkable appearance of the brain."
In regards to the MRA: "... unremarkable intracranial angiogram."

It's a terrible thing to be judged as unremarkable.  They always tell you, "Everybody is good at something.  Everybody is special," but it's just another fucking lie.  This guy really rubs my face in it though.  I'm at my lowest point in years and my self-esteem has plummeted at least 65 points but he couldn't care less.  He's a sadist.  I'm sure he's seen a lot of brains over the years and I would have thought this fact should have increased his sensitivity to the feelings of those in my position.  Not so.  Instead he launches an angry, ad hominem attack.

"... the major flow voids appear unremarkable ... the globes, orbits, and mastoid air cells are unremarkable."

I'm not going to repeat what he wrote about my basilar cisterns.  It's repugnant.  In short - I'm crushed.  I've spent so much time working on things like my distal vertebral arteries and it's been a complete waste.  I used to think I had a healthy and realistic impression of my body.  I used to think I was somewhat attractive - but it's clear now that I've been delusional.  I'm the proverbial ugly ducking.  It's worse than that.  I'm homely on the inside.  I've been living a lie.  I've got to give some serious thought about what to do now that my hopes and dreams for the future are gone.  I may have to remove myself from society so as not to upset the delicate sensibilities of remarkable people.

Thornhill - Hot or Not?

These pictures are from my recent photo shoot.  Modesty prevents me from complimenting myself very much but I think they turned out well.  I'm kinda proud of my Medulla Oblongata.  It looks just as good in person, by the way.

This is my brain.  There are many others like it but this one is mine.  The void in the center that looks like a jumping whale is actually filled with gin.

I don't know how these worms got into my head.  They don't hurt but I hear them whispering to each other - usually late at night.

What else is Juan Williams afraid of?

This week's distraction is Juan Williams and he's afraid of snakes on a plane.  And he's also worried about Muslims on a plane.  What really makes his bowels irritable though, is Muslims dressed in Muslim garb putting their snakes in the compartment over his seat.  Maybe he's projecting his fears about his role at Fox News.  After all, a Muslim dressed in Muslim garb has about the same chance of getting through airport security unnoticed as a black guy's opinion has of being taking seriously on Fox News.

Fox News is all in a twitter because they finally got a black friend and that took a lot of effort over the years.  They were close to getting Hootie but he backed out at the last minute.  So, they're going to defend Juan with all they've got.  Bill O'Reilly, who recently found out, much to his surprise, that black people use silverware, is defending Juan's fear of bed sheets used as clothing.  Racism is so ignorant and ignorance is so racist - whichever the case may be.  The silverware remark was at worst, ignorant.  It's Mexicans who don't use silverware.  Get your brown people straight before you open your mouth and embarrass yourself.

Anyway, who gives a shit.