Facial Hair

How might history be different if Hitler had an Abe Lincoln beard instead of his famous mustache?  What came first, Hitler or the Hitler mustache?  Would he still have had to violently seize Danzig if he wore a Lincoln beard?  And just why did Neville Chamberlain love punk rock so much?  Was the conflagration of Europe a foregone conclusion?  What about other bands, like the Ramones?  Is this why they were so popular in England?  What if Lincoln had a Hitler mustache?  Would John Wilkes Booth still have assassinated him?  These questions have been plaguing historians for decades - like an untreated venereal disease plagues a sailor.

First off, Hitler tried a number of facial hair styles but landed on the Hitler mustache because, for whatever reason, that's what Eva wanted.  It was purely coincidental that it was called a Hitler mustache.  He assumed this was yet another sign from God that he was supposed to be in charge of killing all the Jews.

In his autobiographical manifesto, 'Mein Kampf,' Hitler explains the facial hair decision.  "Ich wollte einen Spitzbart, der Art wie Shakespeare, aber die Schlampe Eva sagte der Führer sollte einen Hitlerbart haben."  I don't speak German so I asked a homeless man standing on the corner of a busy intersection holding a cardboard sign to translate the passage.  His translation is below:

"Get the fuck off my corner, asshole!  There ain't much sunlight left!  Find your own fucking place to stand!"

It turns out that the autobiographical manifesto, 'Mein Kampf,' is laced with profanity and isn't suitable reading for children.  I guess I'll have to reorder those Christmas presents.

What was I writing?  I've lost my train of thought.  I guess it wasn't important.