American Pharoah

The local news is all in a twitter (I didn't look at Twitter) over American Pharoah visiting a track.

The horse said, "Triple Crown?  What's that?"

After a reporter explained the elusive achievement, the horse further said, "I was just trying to get that fucker with the pituitary disorder off my back.  He beats me too.  And who put this wreath on my neck?  It looks stupid and I'm allergic.   I'm going to get a fucking rash."

By The Way, I'm Stupid

In today's installment of 'The Stupidest Conversation of the Day,' we explore a stupid conversation I had today.

The Bingo lady asked me, "Are you going to fucking play Bingo?" 

By play, Hilda of the SS meant that she would randomly call out random numbers, randomly selected by a military grade tumbler whose randomness is checked twice a month by a psychopath with a clipboard and a ruler.  Anyway, by play, nurse Rachted meant that we the players would have to scan our cards for the random number.  Players whose card shows a 'Bingo' receive 50 cents and the accolades of their peer group.  Players whose card does not make it through the rigorous quality assurance process are sodomized with a dirty mop. 

The complex rules of Bingo are summed up in the following image:

On a related topic, tonight is the season premiere of Lesley Stahl's new show, 'Excuse Me Sir, Have You Seen My Brain?'