Here is my all-pro, all-star, fantasy football team.
Wide Receivers
Braylon Edwards - [10/26/2009] - Charged with misdemeanor assault, accused of punching friend of LeBron James at club Oct. 5. Edwards was traded to the New York Jets a few days after the incident.
Plaxico Burress - [12/1/2008] - Turned himself on charge of criminal possession of a handgun after accidentally shooting himself in thigh at New York nightclub. He did not have permit for the Glock pistol. Indicted on two counts of criminal possession of a weapon and one count of reckless endangerment.
Terry Glenn - [12/30/2005] - Cited for public intoxication after urinating outside Jack In The Box restaurant.
I know that I can have only 2 wide receivers, but I had to make room for Plaxico because his name sounds like a weather resistant, space-age building material. And well, I need a player on my team who carries a concealed weapon since I have so many players with criminal backgrounds.
Offensive Line
Cornell Green - [3/21/2009] - Arrested in Tampa after allegedly slamming the mother of his two children against wall and hitting her with mop handle.
Richard Collier - [11/3/2007] - Charged with DUI after being found asleep behind wheel at McDonald's drive-thru window.
Jeremy Bridges - [12/7/2008] - Arrested, charged with two counts of simple assault and battery and one count of communicating threats after incident at restaurant.
Chris Naeole - [6/27/2004] - Police used a Taser to subdue Naeole before arresting him on a charge of disorderly conduct at a bar in Jacksonville Beach.
Quinn Ojinnaka - [5/26/2009] - Charged with simple battery after wife said she was tossed down stairs by him. Wife said fight was over one of his female friends on Facebook.
Sean Locklear - [1/15/2006] - Arrested on a charge of assault for allegedly choking his girlfriend outside a downtown Seattle nightspot.
Kenyatta Jones - [10/21/2003] - Arrested for allegedly assaulting his roommate with scalding water.
I think this will be a real good front line. They can decide for themselves who snaps the ball. I don't really care. The defense is never gonna see my plays coming. Right after the snap - POW! They'll get a face full of super-heated, premium roast coffee. Anybody who gets through my line with less than 3rd degree burns will then have to get past my man Green and face a savage beating with a some sort of cleaning device.
Tight Ends
Matt Spaeth - [10/18/2009] - Cited for public urination outside restaurant near Steelers' stadium after game. Teammate Jeff Reed arrested as part of incident.
Kolomona Kapanui - [5/3/2009] - Arrested on obscenity and disturbing the peace charges. He allegedly urinated in public and exposed himself to women.
These tight ends have small bladders. I'll setup some portable toilets just past the end zone so they'll run like hell to get there.
Running Backs
Lionel Gates - [3/29/2007] - Arrested, charged with hitting pregnant woman in face.
Michael Pittman - [5/31/2003] - Pittman was charged with aggravated assault after police said he used his Hummer to ram a car carrying his wife, 2-year-old son and a babysitter.
I'll hire America's greatest running back, O.J. Simpson, to keep these guys in line and provide them with the proper training. They obviously have no clue when it comes to domestic violence. O.J.'s tutelage will help them both on and off the field.
I've been thinking long and hard about my quarterback - the most important player on the field. Michael Vick would be an obvious choice, but I can't see how cruelty to animals will help us in the QB position. However, I would like to consider him for place kicker if he's available. Kicking a football is just like kicking a small dog, so I bet he's good.
Anyway, since this is fantasy football, my QB will be a nanomorph, mimetic, poly-alloy (liquid metal) assassin, just like the T-1000 in Terminator 2. Except that he will be outfitted with state-of-the-art neurologic transceiving implants, so that we can hook up Bo Schembechler's head - which is still in deep-freeze at that Arizona cryolab, right next to Ted Williams.
