Staunch Defense of Hot-cakes

I'm getting a bit sick of you people and the way you talk.  You're still using expressions from the 20th century or even worse, the 19th century.  Think up some new ones - willya please?  Do I have to be responsible for all the creativity around here?  The next time I hear you say, "I'm a staunch defender of candidate first-name last-name," I promise I'll beat you within in an inch of your life.

Whoops.  An inch of your life is a worn-out expression, isn't it?

Let's try this: I promise I'll beat you within 2.54 centimeters of your life.  The rest of the world uses the metric system, by the way.  We should at least update the units of measure in our tired expressions.

Anyway, everybody is a staunch defender or a firm believer.

"I firmly believe in universal healthcare and I'm a staunch supporter of abortion rights."

"Good for you!  I slightly believe in national healthcare.  I'm not sure about the universe.  I'd like to staunchly punch you in the fucking face though, or the abdomen - if you're pregnant."

Here's another one that bugs me to no end.

"They're selling like hot-cakes."

My mother uses the word hot-cake.  She's 87 years old.  A hot-cake is actually a donut. [Edit 1/5/10:  I asked my mother about this and she said a hot-cake is a pancake.  She added, "I really don't fucking know what a fucking hot-cake is.  What the fuck, son?"]  I imagine they were invented when my mother was a little girl and I imagine they sold like hot-cakes when they first came out.  Hot-cakes sales must have surely skyrocketed.

Incidentally, I'll be firing skyrockets at my house this next 4th of July.  Maybe you can attend?

Things always skyrocket.  Unemployment.  Crime.  Syphilis infections two months after a Republican or Democratic National Committee convention.

"I've got good news!  Our 3rd quarter revenue is going to be higher than expected.  Hot-cake sales are skyrocketing.  They're off the chart!"

"Really?  Maybe we should get a bigger chart.  Hey, have you seen my horseless carriage keys?  I must have misplaced them.  I have to get to the store - they're having a sale on hot-cakes and skyrockets.  I have to go before it gets dark - crime is at epidemic proportions."

I was gonna do some more ranting in a similar vein about how proportions are always epidemic, but I'm bored with this piece already.  You can't hit a home-run everyday.  Over and out.