Gold Rush S05E04 - a review

Today we review Discovery channel's TV show - Gold Rush.  This is the fourth installment of our award winning series, entitled, 'I've lost the remote again.  Have you seen it?"

Todd Hoffman brings this guy a jar of strawberries.

"Here's a jar of strawberries.  It's all I was able to get in the divorce settlement."

He continues, "My ex-wife got the house and custody of our boys.  You remember my twin sons Adolf and Kevin?" 

"Did you trade the gold for a bag of magic beans again?"

"I don't know why Thurber goes to that doctor.  I can do a prostate exam."

The strawberry pump suffers a catastrophic failure. 

Tony Beets inspects his fleet of Boeing 747s.

He says,"**** the  ******* ***** *******."

He continues, "**** **** ******* *** *******" 

Gold Rush S05E03 - a review

Today we review Discovery channel's TV show - Gold Rush.  This is the third installment of our endless series, entitled, 'Todd Hoffman is a Sociopath."

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

"I don't have any chickens."

"I don't mean that literally.  What I mean is that you shouldn't rely on something that you are unsure about.  You shouldn't make plans based on assumptions that can lead to disappointment.  Now then, I have a really good feeling about this land."

"Our drummer quit.  Do you know of anyone?"

"But I don't want to be a drummer."

"Now just grab the bag with both ******* hands.  Here, give me that ******* bag and I'll open it.  Like this, now ******* pay attention."

The producers followed Todd Hoffman to his doctors appointment.  I don't know why they showed his colonoscopy video. 

This guy's mustache is going to have its own show. 

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road revisited revisited

Today I revisit the examination of the first reexamination of the Sir Elton John classic, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.'  I'm like a dog with a bone on this one.  The main problem is that, once being exposed (like Cholera) to the lyrics, I can't listen to this one anymore.  I want my $1.29 back.

Between all the horny toads hopping around, society's howling dogs, and bizarre talk of plows and farming, this song is permanently ruined.  It appears that Elton would sing anything that Taupin put in front of him.  He could tear a page out of a phone book and Elton would have wrapped a catchy tune around it.

Goodbye yellow brick road
Mr. Nussmeier can be reached at
316-5817
And don't step on these toads

Gold Rush S05E02 - a review

Today we review Discovery channel's TV show - Gold Rush.  This is the second installment of our never ending series, entitled, 'Why Do I Watch This Shit?'

Everybody is apparently unconcerned about the dog that Parker ran over and killed.

Tony Beets takes his new crane for a test drive.  He runs over and kills a dog.  "What's a ******* dog doing up here in ******* Alaska?"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

"What was that, Dad?"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away is a type of idiom in the English language meaning that maintaining regular, healthy habits helps to prevent illness. Unlike many sayings, this phrase can be interpreted literally in some cases. Apples are one of the healthiest foods available and their regular consumption is linked to a reduced risk of a variety of illnesses. It is thought that the idiom originated in Wales during the 1860s, but, in Rustic Speech and Folk-lore, Elizabeth Wright first used the modern version of the phrase in 1913, which added to its fame. It was then widely circulated throughout the century and still remains popular."

"I'm taking my grandfather's last $100 and starting a band.  Fuck this digging in the dirt shit.  I'm going to sing and play guitar.  We're still looking for a drummer."

"Heavenly father, we ask that you bless this hole with lots of apples.  And when you get a minute can you have a look at my cataracts?"

5 Things My Parental Units Never Told Me

In no particular order.  The following list could have really come in handy.

1) "Never trust anybody over twenty."  This is an old hippie saying but I've lowered the age from thirty to twenty.  One could lower it even more but twenty is a nice, even number.

2) "Look out for that Tom guy.  He's fucking crazy."

3) "Stay off the yellow brick road.  Your father was on his hands and knees scrubbing it."

4) "Do you want to stay in a larger petri dish?"

5) "Put that rusty can down.  You'll get an infection."

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road revisited

Today we re-examine the Sir Elton John classic, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.'  We're having another look because an important element was inadvertently left out.  We're speaking, of course, of the pack of howling dogs of society that lurk on the yellow brick road.

We'd like to know, Mr. Taupin, just what the hell you're talking about?  The yellow brick road is filled with howling dogs?

Do they have rabies?  Elton doesn't warn us.  Maybe we should get a vaccination, just to be safe?

"Stay off that fucking brick road," the good witch says.

"You mean that yellow one?" says Dorothy.

"Yeah, that's the one.  The one with the howling dogs of society."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"You know?"

The good witch puts her hands in her pockets, looks down at the ground, and starts kicking at a spot in the dirt.  She adds, "The dogs?  You know, the dogs of society?"

"Oh that's right!  The dogs of society!  I like dogs!  Have you met Toto?  I keep him in this basket for some reason."

"Just stay off that fucking road.  Be right back - a toad is hopping by.  Never mind guys.  There are no horns on its back.  You were saying?"

God is Amazing

Today we examine God - a totally comprehensive and completely even-handed look at our creator.  We try to answer important questions that theologians have been asking for years, such as, why does he love killing people with water?  And, was Jesus such a disappointment that he let him get murdered?  And perhaps the most important, why is he always helping NFL players score touchdowns?

Why didn't God marry Mary?  He was drunk (read your Bible people!) that night.  Mary explained the pregnancy to Joe (the original chump) by saying that it must be God's baby.

Why didn't Jesus marry Mary?  This was still the old testament and so God was constantly angry.  He told Jesus, "She's a fucking hooker!  Jesus, Jesus!  What are you thinking?  Do you want me to flood your basement?"

Does God like sports other than football?  What about lacrosse?  He likes every sporting event equally.  He's God.  He doesn't play favorites.  We're just kidding!  Like most of America, he thinks lacrosse is stupid.  He likes football, baseball, and soccer - to name a few.  What do these have in common?  They're primarily played in open-air stadiums.  God hates domed stadiums because he can't see inside, otherwise he would follow the NBA.  His dislike of domed stadiums also explains hurricane Katrina.  He likes boxing though.  That's because he's got HBO.

Is America God's favorite country?  Obviously America is God's favorite country.  That's why there are so many songs.  In fact, the original lyrics to 'God Bless America' included the line, "fuck Belgium," but the publisher thought that the line was too divisive and it was dropped.