God is Amazing

Today we examine God - a totally comprehensive and completely even-handed look at our creator.  We try to answer important questions that theologians have been asking for years, such as, why does he love killing people with water?  And, was Jesus such a disappointment that he let him get murdered?  And perhaps the most important, why is he always helping NFL players score touchdowns?

Why didn't God marry Mary?  He was drunk (read your Bible people!) that night.  Mary explained the pregnancy to Joe (the original chump) by saying that it must be God's baby.

Why didn't Jesus marry Mary?  This was still the old testament and so God was constantly angry.  He told Jesus, "She's a fucking hooker!  Jesus, Jesus!  What are you thinking?  Do you want me to flood your basement?"

Does God like sports other than football?  What about lacrosse?  He likes every sporting event equally.  He's God.  He doesn't play favorites.  We're just kidding!  Like most of America, he thinks lacrosse is stupid.  He likes football, baseball, and soccer - to name a few.  What do these have in common?  They're primarily played in open-air stadiums.  God hates domed stadiums because he can't see inside, otherwise he would follow the NBA.  His dislike of domed stadiums also explains hurricane Katrina.  He likes boxing though.  That's because he's got HBO.

Is America God's favorite country?  Obviously America is God's favorite country.  That's why there are so many songs.  In fact, the original lyrics to 'God Bless America' included the line, "fuck Belgium," but the publisher thought that the line was too divisive and it was dropped.