The Roosevelts

I watched (so you wouldn't have to) all 250 parts of the PBS documentary The Roosevelts and it contained many interesting things.

For example, as covered in episodes 177-188, I was totally unaware of the significant contributions of FDR's longtime political advisor Louis Howe.  He helped Roosevelt navigate the treacherous waters of Thanksgiving dinner.  He advised on important questions, such as, stuffing, potatoes, or both?

Here is Mr. Howe (On the left.  You must be really stupid if you can't identify FDR.)  Roosevelt didn't make a move without running it past Howe.  This was especially evident after Howe's death in 1936.

Without Howe's input FDR began making questionable appointments to his cabinet.  He named his mentally impaired, half-brother Erwin to the post of Secretary of War.

But the most egregious examples were the appointments of dogs to cabinet level positions.  Here, FDR confers with Skippy, the administrator of the NRA.  (National Rifle Association)

Originally, the NRA was to be called, 'Woof Woof.'  Roosevelt thought this was slightly crazy and the dog, Skippy, relented.

Here, FDR is seen with his Secretary of State, Jack.  They liked to go for long drives outside the beltway and discuss Hitler, who was the newly elected dictator of Germany at this point.  He was threatening the dog population (except German Shepherds) of Poland.

Above, FDR consults with Skippy.  Roosevelt (On the left.  You are really stupid aren't you?) was concerned that a protracted war with Germany could result in a bloody stalemate, and countless American dogs would die needlessly.

But everything turned out just fine.

Words

I've been re-examining my usage of the following words and have come to some conclusions.  I've also asked my administrative assistant to put on her thinking cap (so no thoughts escape) and think really hard.  She is shown below thinking really hard.

Words I'm not using enough:  

amazing, epic, beyond, fuck, fucker, fuckface, fuckhead, incongruous, salacious, pernicious, cat, dog, water, administrative, assistant, raise, pencil

Words whose usage is just right:

cat, dog, water, administrative, assistant, raise, pencil

Words I'm using too much: 

the, a, and, or, not, I, Hitler, you, this, that, to, it, cat, dog, water, administrative, assistant, raise, pencil, Star, Spangled, Banner

So, as can see, benefitted greatly from evaluation.  Recommend everybody do same.  Now off lunch.

Facial Hair

How might history be different if Hitler had an Abe Lincoln beard instead of his famous mustache?  What came first, Hitler or the Hitler mustache?  Would he still have had to violently seize Danzig if he wore a Lincoln beard?  And just why did Neville Chamberlain love punk rock so much?  Was the conflagration of Europe a foregone conclusion?  What about other bands, like the Ramones?  Is this why they were so popular in England?  What if Lincoln had a Hitler mustache?  Would John Wilkes Booth still have assassinated him?  These questions have been plaguing historians for decades - like an untreated venereal disease plagues a sailor.

First off, Hitler tried a number of facial hair styles but landed on the Hitler mustache because, for whatever reason, that's what Eva wanted.  It was purely coincidental that it was called a Hitler mustache.  He assumed this was yet another sign from God that he was supposed to be in charge of killing all the Jews.

In his autobiographical manifesto, 'Mein Kampf,' Hitler explains the facial hair decision.  "Ich wollte einen Spitzbart, der Art wie Shakespeare, aber die Schlampe Eva sagte der Führer sollte einen Hitlerbart haben."  I don't speak German so I asked a homeless man standing on the corner of a busy intersection holding a cardboard sign to translate the passage.  His translation is below:

"Get the fuck off my corner, asshole!  There ain't much sunlight left!  Find your own fucking place to stand!"

It turns out that the autobiographical manifesto, 'Mein Kampf,' is laced with profanity and isn't suitable reading for children.  I guess I'll have to reorder those Christmas presents.

What was I writing?  I've lost my train of thought.  I guess it wasn't important.

Book Corner: a book review

For this week's installment of Book Corner, we review a book covered in blood that somebody shot numerous times.  Here's a picture.

I flipped it over to get a look at the cover and this one is called, The ×××××× ××××.   I couldn't make out most of the words because of the bullet holes.  I flipped it over again and the author bio was totally obscured by a large blood stain.  I started reading but the first twenty pages or so were stuck together because of the blood so I can't really tell you how the prostitute got murdered.  It must have been the hedge fund manager.  He probably killed her.

Dried blood kept flaking off the book as I turned each page and it was then that I noticed the centipede crawling up my sofa.  I smacked the bug with the blood spattered book and then I threw both into a trash can.  Besides, the timer on the oven was beeping, my pizza was done.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - a movie review

Today's movie review promises to be a good one.  We're going to have a look at Peter Jackson's excellent film, 'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.'  It's the second installment in the three-part film series based on the The Hobbit by J. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. Tolkien.  The story focuses on a Hobbit and his quest to find a suitable Christmas present for his elderly mother.

This movie is nothing like the cover.  I feel ripped off.

I must have misread the blurbs on the back of the DVD.  It's a documentary, and it's about the ongoing problem with Smaug.  It turns out it's not about a short, drawf-like creature such as Tom Cruise, it's actually about polluted air.  It's currently plaguing the Chinese, and mainly comes from cars.

According to the narrator (I think it's Sean Penn) we should all go back to riding horses, throwing buckets of piss out the window, and eating non-genetically modified sewage for breakfast.  I don't know what this has to do with Smaug. 

In the meantime we can learn how to save our buddy from choking on a piece of turkey. 

I only watched the first part of this stupid movie so it gets an incomplete, but if I could I would give it -10 stars out of 5.  It was that shitty.

A Book I Found - a book review

So, I found this book on the sidewalk, and being an avid reader, I wiped the dog excrement off the cover and started reading.  A homeless man was reaching for it (I think he was going to use it for a pillow) but I got to it first.  Then I punched him in the face, and yelled, "My book!"

It's called 'The Death of the Sales Person' and it's about Willy Lowmen, his business struggles, and the man holding his wife hostage in the Nakatomi building. 

Here, the Bruce Willis character climbs through an HVAC duct for some reason that eludes me. 

Here, the Hans Gruber character (the hero) explains his way out of a tight jam.   He does this numerous times throughout the book.  Spoiler alert!  Sadly, he gets thrown off the Nakatomi building by the Bruce Springsteen character. 

I tossed this book back where I found it.  I don't recommend it and give 2 out of 5 stars.  Someday I'll have some star graphics. 

The Perkins File - a book review

Today's book review is an ebook, called The Perkins File.

Here's a picture of the cover, which is stupid.  Luckily, you can read the first 20% for free.  This ensures that you don't waste too much of your mortally on this stupid novel.  It's about a cat who lives in a garbage dump.  I don't know for sure.  I didn't actually read much of it.  The battery in my tablet died halfway through the book. 

There's no prologue.  Apparently nobody ever told this guy that every novel must have a prologue.  I should know because I read so many books and they all have prologues.  This is where talented authors explain the motivations of the main characters, provide important details about the setting, and insert facts about the story which they inadvertently left out. 

Here's the middle of the book.  The author introduces yet another character - there must be two dozen - it's getting difficult to keep them straight.  At least five of them are named Robert-Billy, which really fucks with my suspension of disbelief.

This is the end of the book.  I don't know what happens.  I assume the Marty McFly character gets the space-time continuum back as it should be and gets the girl, but who gives a shit.  I give this novel 0.1 stars out of 5.  I don't recommend this book.  It's total rubbish.