5 Pictures You Can Click On

Because everybody loves (apparently) lists, quizzes, and shit like that, I made my own.  I present the first of a 500 part series, '5 Pictures You Can Click On.'

1) Above is a picture of Tom Hanks from the movie 'Captain Phillips.'  It's about the captain of a container ship, who has an Internet porn addiction.  It's some weird German shit.

2) Above is former president George W. Bush welcoming Jesus. (not shown)  Jesus and George's bizarre entourage are unconcerned with the angels 'Death From Above' campaign.

3) Above is the GEICO pig with a smartphone (with the GEICO app) super glued to his hoof.  An extra-special bonus picture is included below.

4) What a Dukes of Hazzard car actually looked like after a jump.

5) From the winter Olympics.  The skater had a chicken bone stuck in their windpipe.

The Perkins File - a book review

Today's book review is an ebook, called The Perkins File.

Here's a picture of the cover, which is stupid.  Luckily, you can read the first 20% for free.  This ensures that you don't waste too much of your mortally on this stupid novel.  It's about a cat who lives in a garbage dump.  I don't know for sure.  I didn't actually read much of it.  The battery in my tablet died halfway through the book. 

There's no prologue.  Apparently nobody ever told this guy that every novel must have a prologue.  I should know because I read so many books and they all have prologues.  This is where talented authors explain the motivations of the main characters, provide important details about the setting, and insert facts about the story which they inadvertently left out. 

Here's the middle of the book.  The author introduces yet another character - there must be two dozen - it's getting difficult to keep them straight.  At least five of them are named Robert-Billy, which really fucks with my suspension of disbelief.

This is the end of the book.  I don't know what happens.  I assume the Marty McFly character gets the space-time continuum back as it should be and gets the girl, but who gives a shit.  I give this novel 0.1 stars out of 5.  I don't recommend this book.  It's total rubbish. 

The Worst Commercials

Here's my diatribe on the five worst commercials.

5) All insurance commercials are bad, and I'm not just being hyperbolic.  Insurance products are a waste of money.  "I want a policy that protects my house if aliens with death-rays attack."  I'll take the other side of that bet!  Anyway, the USAA commercials are especially atrocious.  They spend 23 seconds worshipping the military and the last 7 with, "Oh, by the way, please buy our amazing car insurance." 

4) I may as well scream at a tree.  Tell me, just how does a pig hold anything, much less use it, with a hoof?

3) Maybe I'll scream at a rock instead.  Nationwide calls this 'Brand New Belongings.'  The fine print says this feature is optional.  It probably costs an extra $1,000,000 a month.  Nationwide will replace your coffee pot and toaster if they are stolen.   I understand burglars are targeting kitchen appliances.   What a great deal!  After spending $1,000,000 in premiums, Nationwide will spend $5 on Amazon and get you a new toaster.  And it's not even a four slice model.  Does anybody look at this shit before it goes out the door?

2) The Trivago commercial itself isn't so awful but they've been showing it over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, until I bleed from the eyes and ears.  I wish the GEICO pig would shoot the Trivago guy in the head multiple times, and then turn the gun on himself.  I assume the GEICO pig can hold a gun with his hooves.

1) Every insurance commercial you've ever seen.  Every last one.  Especially the State Farm ones.  They get an honorable mention.  Teleportation is their main offense to humanity, but they should be on this list.