Camping With a Dictator

Today's installment of Camping With a Dictator features the notorious and hugely popular Kim Jong-un.

We roast hot dogs and marshmallows over a fire, and Kim (we call him Kim but you'd better call him the 'Excellent and Revered Leader' or your family will spend Christmas in a Prison Camp (that's a Bing Crosby song, by the way)) whipped out his guitar and treated us to Bob Dylan classics.

Here, we played hangman using real people.  Kim Jong-un didn't allow photographs to be taken, and besides, he had our photographer killed, so pardon the juvenile drawing.  We'll do much better on the next post.  Kim Jong-un then had our juvenile killed and his drawing replaced with the one below.

Here is a satellite view of our campsite.  After being led into a field at gunpoint (a bayonet attached to a rifle, actually) and forced to dig for fourteen hours straight, we returned to our rooms.  Below is an artist's rendering of our accommodations.  We used an artist from India and the drawing only cost us $1.49.

The artist was later tracked down and killed.  Overall, this was the worst time we've had on Camping With a Dictator.  The food was terrible.  We've had much better bread and water.  The rooms were badly appointed and the constant surveillance by our guides was a big turn-off.  And there was nothing to watch on state run TV, just old Dukes of Hazzard episodes.

The Roosevelts

I watched (so you wouldn't have to) all 250 parts of the PBS documentary The Roosevelts and it contained many interesting things.

For example, as covered in episodes 177-188, I was totally unaware of the significant contributions of FDR's longtime political advisor Louis Howe.  He helped Roosevelt navigate the treacherous waters of Thanksgiving dinner.  He advised on important questions, such as, stuffing, potatoes, or both?

Here is Mr. Howe (On the left.  You must be really stupid if you can't identify FDR.)  Roosevelt didn't make a move without running it past Howe.  This was especially evident after Howe's death in 1936.

Without Howe's input FDR began making questionable appointments to his cabinet.  He named his mentally impaired, half-brother Erwin to the post of Secretary of War.

But the most egregious examples were the appointments of dogs to cabinet level positions.  Here, FDR confers with Skippy, the administrator of the NRA.  (National Rifle Association)

Originally, the NRA was to be called, 'Woof Woof.'  Roosevelt thought this was slightly crazy and the dog, Skippy, relented.

Here, FDR is seen with his Secretary of State, Jack.  They liked to go for long drives outside the beltway and discuss Hitler, who was the newly elected dictator of Germany at this point.  He was threatening the dog population (except German Shepherds) of Poland.

Above, FDR consults with Skippy.  Roosevelt (On the left.  You are really stupid aren't you?) was concerned that a protracted war with Germany could result in a bloody stalemate, and countless American dogs would die needlessly.

But everything turned out just fine.

Words

I've been re-examining my usage of the following words and have come to some conclusions.  I've also asked my administrative assistant to put on her thinking cap (so no thoughts escape) and think really hard.  She is shown below thinking really hard.

Words I'm not using enough:  

amazing, epic, beyond, fuck, fucker, fuckface, fuckhead, incongruous, salacious, pernicious, cat, dog, water, administrative, assistant, raise, pencil

Words whose usage is just right:

cat, dog, water, administrative, assistant, raise, pencil

Words I'm using too much: 

the, a, and, or, not, I, Hitler, you, this, that, to, it, cat, dog, water, administrative, assistant, raise, pencil, Star, Spangled, Banner

So, as can see, benefitted greatly from evaluation.  Recommend everybody do same.  Now off lunch.

Facial Hair

How might history be different if Hitler had an Abe Lincoln beard instead of his famous mustache?  What came first, Hitler or the Hitler mustache?  Would he still have had to violently seize Danzig if he wore a Lincoln beard?  And just why did Neville Chamberlain love punk rock so much?  Was the conflagration of Europe a foregone conclusion?  What about other bands, like the Ramones?  Is this why they were so popular in England?  What if Lincoln had a Hitler mustache?  Would John Wilkes Booth still have assassinated him?  These questions have been plaguing historians for decades - like an untreated venereal disease plagues a sailor.

First off, Hitler tried a number of facial hair styles but landed on the Hitler mustache because, for whatever reason, that's what Eva wanted.  It was purely coincidental that it was called a Hitler mustache.  He assumed this was yet another sign from God that he was supposed to be in charge of killing all the Jews.

In his autobiographical manifesto, 'Mein Kampf,' Hitler explains the facial hair decision.  "Ich wollte einen Spitzbart, der Art wie Shakespeare, aber die Schlampe Eva sagte der Führer sollte einen Hitlerbart haben."  I don't speak German so I asked a homeless man standing on the corner of a busy intersection holding a cardboard sign to translate the passage.  His translation is below:

"Get the fuck off my corner, asshole!  There ain't much sunlight left!  Find your own fucking place to stand!"

It turns out that the autobiographical manifesto, 'Mein Kampf,' is laced with profanity and isn't suitable reading for children.  I guess I'll have to reorder those Christmas presents.

What was I writing?  I've lost my train of thought.  I guess it wasn't important.

Book Corner: a book review

For this week's installment of Book Corner, we review a book covered in blood that somebody shot numerous times.  Here's a picture.

I flipped it over to get a look at the cover and this one is called, The ×××××× ××××.   I couldn't make out most of the words because of the bullet holes.  I flipped it over again and the author bio was totally obscured by a large blood stain.  I started reading but the first twenty pages or so were stuck together because of the blood so I can't really tell you how the prostitute got murdered.  It must have been the hedge fund manager.  He probably killed her.

Dried blood kept flaking off the book as I turned each page and it was then that I noticed the centipede crawling up my sofa.  I smacked the bug with the blood spattered book and then I threw both into a trash can.  Besides, the timer on the oven was beeping, my pizza was done.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - a movie review

Today's movie review promises to be a good one.  We're going to have a look at Peter Jackson's excellent film, 'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.'  It's the second installment in the three-part film series based on the The Hobbit by J. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. Tolkien.  The story focuses on a Hobbit and his quest to find a suitable Christmas present for his elderly mother.

This movie is nothing like the cover.  I feel ripped off.

I must have misread the blurbs on the back of the DVD.  It's a documentary, and it's about the ongoing problem with Smaug.  It turns out it's not about a short, drawf-like creature such as Tom Cruise, it's actually about polluted air.  It's currently plaguing the Chinese, and mainly comes from cars.

According to the narrator (I think it's Sean Penn) we should all go back to riding horses, throwing buckets of piss out the window, and eating non-genetically modified sewage for breakfast.  I don't know what this has to do with Smaug. 

In the meantime we can learn how to save our buddy from choking on a piece of turkey. 

I only watched the first part of this stupid movie so it gets an incomplete, but if I could I would give it -10 stars out of 5.  It was that shitty.

A Book I Found - a book review

So, I found this book on the sidewalk, and being an avid reader, I wiped the dog excrement off the cover and started reading.  A homeless man was reaching for it (I think he was going to use it for a pillow) but I got to it first.  Then I punched him in the face, and yelled, "My book!"

It's called 'The Death of the Sales Person' and it's about Willy Lowmen, his business struggles, and the man holding his wife hostage in the Nakatomi building. 

Here, the Bruce Willis character climbs through an HVAC duct for some reason that eludes me. 

Here, the Hans Gruber character (the hero) explains his way out of a tight jam.   He does this numerous times throughout the book.  Spoiler alert!  Sadly, he gets thrown off the Nakatomi building by the Bruce Springsteen character. 

I tossed this book back where I found it.  I don't recommend it and give 2 out of 5 stars.  Someday I'll have some star graphics. 

The Perkins File - a book review

Today's book review is an ebook, called The Perkins File.

Here's a picture of the cover, which is stupid.  Luckily, you can read the first 20% for free.  This ensures that you don't waste too much of your mortally on this stupid novel.  It's about a cat who lives in a garbage dump.  I don't know for sure.  I didn't actually read much of it.  The battery in my tablet died halfway through the book. 

There's no prologue.  Apparently nobody ever told this guy that every novel must have a prologue.  I should know because I read so many books and they all have prologues.  This is where talented authors explain the motivations of the main characters, provide important details about the setting, and insert facts about the story which they inadvertently left out. 

Here's the middle of the book.  The author introduces yet another character - there must be two dozen - it's getting difficult to keep them straight.  At least five of them are named Robert-Billy, which really fucks with my suspension of disbelief.

This is the end of the book.  I don't know what happens.  I assume the Marty McFly character gets the space-time continuum back as it should be and gets the girl, but who gives a shit.  I give this novel 0.1 stars out of 5.  I don't recommend this book.  It's total rubbish. 

The Worst Commercials

Here's my diatribe on the five worst commercials.

5) All insurance commercials are bad, and I'm not just being hyperbolic.  Insurance products are a waste of money.  "I want a policy that protects my house if aliens with death-rays attack."  I'll take the other side of that bet!  Anyway, the USAA commercials are especially atrocious.  They spend 23 seconds worshipping the military and the last 7 with, "Oh, by the way, please buy our amazing car insurance." 

4) I may as well scream at a tree.  Tell me, just how does a pig hold anything, much less use it, with a hoof?

3) Maybe I'll scream at a rock instead.  Nationwide calls this 'Brand New Belongings.'  The fine print says this feature is optional.  It probably costs an extra $1,000,000 a month.  Nationwide will replace your coffee pot and toaster if they are stolen.   I understand burglars are targeting kitchen appliances.   What a great deal!  After spending $1,000,000 in premiums, Nationwide will spend $5 on Amazon and get you a new toaster.  And it's not even a four slice model.  Does anybody look at this shit before it goes out the door?

2) The Trivago commercial itself isn't so awful but they've been showing it over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, until I bleed from the eyes and ears.  I wish the GEICO pig would shoot the Trivago guy in the head multiple times, and then turn the gun on himself.  I assume the GEICO pig can hold a gun with his hooves.

1) Every insurance commercial you've ever seen.  Every last one.  Especially the State Farm ones.  They get an honorable mention.  Teleportation is their main offense to humanity, but they should be on this list. 

The Casual Vacancy - a book review

I'm thinking of renaming this blog to better represent my current interests.  It's a toss-up between 'Book Corner: Weekly Book Reviews' and 'Fuck You All - Especially Children and People in Wheelchairs.'  Let's try the book review deal, because Mr. Google gets all confused when you type 'people in wheelchairs are stupid fuck these people' into the search box.

Today's book is J.K. Rowling's novel, The Casual Vacancy.  Here's what it looks like.

It's about a woman who used to be a famous bestselling author, but gave it all up to pursue her childhood dream of becoming a slumlord.  Now on to the actual review.

This (above) is an artist's rendering of the prologue.  Okay, I just searched Google images for 'book.'  The prologue is rather profane, but here it is: "Fuck Harry.  I hate him.  You people will buy anything with my name on it.  How about I vomit all over this keyboard?  You'll buy it.  I'm calling it 'Puke.'  Maybe you'll like the final book in the Harry Potter series, tentatively entitled, 'Harry Potter and Ron Weasley Make Passionate Love.'  The publisher is recommending a different title.  They want to call it 'Now My Twig Points At You.'  They say that will make it easier to sell."

Rowling goes on like this for another ten pages.  I found it to be an engaging eleven page rant.  It explained much about the motivations of the characters whom we have yet to meet. 

This (see picture above) is about in the middle.  It's clear that Rowling passed out drunk on the keyboard because we get 24 pages of the letter O.  SPOILER ALERT!  I thought this was an effective way to illustrate why the baby committed suicide. 

This is the end of the book.  Rowling tries to collect the rent from one of her tenants.  "Fuck you, bitch!" are his last words.  She pulls a knife out of her purse and stabs him in the gut, presumably, as a warning to other tenants. 

Some parts of the book seemed rushed, like the auto-asphyxiation chapter, while others plodded along, like the chapter where Rowling bought her first substandard house.  Overall it was a good read and well worth a few hours of my mortality.  I give it 4.59 stars out of 5.  I can't afford to pay an artist to make a star that's 59% colored.

California governor's debate

This is my review of the California gubernatorial debate.  The most obvious question you're probably asking yourself is, what the hell is a gubernatorial?  It's a boxed candy (chocolate covered peanut) usually eaten at a movie theater.  I don't know why they call it a gubernatorial.

It's Neel Kashkari versus the ABC 10 logo versus Jerry Brown. 

Jerry Brown tries to blow up Neel Kashkari's head with his thoughts. 

Neel Kashkari explains the unusual spelling of his first name.  "My mother named me after one of the truck drivers whom she suspected was the father.  Oh, by the way, her great grandfather was from Europe or something.  We grew up dirt poor.  We ate dirt sandwiches.  Does that help?" 

He continues, "I don't shave my head because I'm going bald.  I shave my head to keep germs to a minimum.  Oh, by the way, Federal Reserve notes are just like women.  They're unsanitary and should only be handled by the corners." 

The current governor, Jerry Brown, explains, "... the ankle bracelets really aren't that uncomfortable.   I should think that the people of our great state would want to wear one.  Anyway, I don't see what the fuss is about.  Oh, by the way, I fucked Linda Ronstadt. " 

Brad McBeardman asks Governor Brown, "Governor Brown, tell us about your plan for California residents."

"I propose that all residents of California get lobotomies.   Additionally, I propose that the speed limit be lowered to 1 MPH and the drinking age be raised to 99.  This will save countless lives and my lobotomy law will create thousands of jobs at the DMV.  Oh, by the way, I fucked Linda Ronstadt. "

I hit stop and erase so I don't know how it turned out.   Channel 1602 looked more interesting.