Christmas Songs

Today we go under the hood and examine the lyrics of some popular Christmas songs. As you will see, some of them are rather outdated, while some are downright messed up.

Joy to the World

Joy to the world, the Lord is come!

Let earth receive her King;

(Elvis?)

Let every heart prepare Him room,

And Heaven and nature sing,

And Heaven and nature sing,

And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the world, the Savior reigns!

Let men their songs employ;

While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains

(Floods?  Surely Elvis wouldn't ruin our crops.  I guess we live in a feudal society.)

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

(The ground is infested with thorns?  Fuck you, Elvis.)

He comes to make His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found,

Far as the curse is found,

Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders, wonders, of His love.

(This whole passage makes us think of a North Korean dictator.)

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

On a one horse open sleigh

(What did you feed this horse?  Does this sleigh have air bags?)

O'er the fields we go,

Laughing all the way

(I must have missed the joke.)

Bells on bob tail ring,

(What the hell is a bob tail?)

making spirits bright

What fun it is to laugh and sing

(I'm not having fun.  Why is everybody drunk?)

A sleighing song tonight

(This sleigh is a death trap.)

Silent Night

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon Virgin Mother and Child

(Yeah, yeah, the amazing virgin birth.)

Holy Infant so tender and mild

(The three wise men ate the baby Jesus?  Sick!  I guess they must have been hungry after that long trip.)

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!

Shepherds quake at the sight

Glories stream from heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!

Christ, the Saviour is born

Christ, the Saviour is born

(It should be 'was' not 'is.' But whatever, that's the least of my problems with these songs.)

Silent night, holy night

Son of God, love's pure light

(For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have mashed potatoes, stuffing, and cranberries.)

With dawn of redeeming grace

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth