Dr. F-something

"We're going to put you in a wheel-barrow and leave you under that awning.  That way you can keep an eye on my new Mercedes."

Dr. F-something is a skinny Indian dude who always looks like he's midway through a 112 hour shift.  He never has anything good to say.

"You see, we're running dangerously close to hitting forty percent occupancy."

"Is my bed on fire?" I ask, plaintively.

"What are you doing with that hacksaw?  You're planning on cutting off one of my limbs, aren't you?  As long as I get some morphine, I guess it's okay," I say.

Dr. F-something flips through my chart.  He says, "How long have you been taking omeprazole?"

He stops flipping and stares directly into my eyes.  Judging from the look on his face I'm obviously having a pulmonary embolism.  I thought it would hurt more.  He stares for a couple seconds more, then says, "The bed fire can be extinguished with a pinch of baking soda."

"I read that on the internet," he adds.

Just then Dr. McQueen runs in.  He is on a butterfly hunt.  The rare creature lands on my nose and Dr. McQueen's net drops over my head.

"This will look great in my den next to the turtle," he says.

Dr. F-something and I intently watch McQueen reach into the net (and the end of my nose), grab the butterfly by the legs, and run out as quickly as he ran in.

"I need your arms for my Halloween costume.  It'll be hilarious.  And your legs go to a friend of mine, Dr. Strangelove."

Comedy Comes From Pain

So, I tried killing myself the other day.  There I said it.  The back story is another fall and this time a broken hip.  But I got a nifty corner room with electric draperies in the hospital and they rebuilt my hip with surplus NASA materials.

Since I don't keep a handgun in the house (or I would have turned it on myself years ago), the problem became a question of just how to do it.  I used to have a verbose description of the methods open to me, but that read all fucked up so I deleted it.  Let's just say my method was amazing, fun, and it involved an Oprah movie.

Here's a couple links that made sense for inclusion yesterday.  299 Words,  A Day.

Exclamation Point

Let's examine the exclamation point, shall we?  It's the Ranch dressing of the punctuation world.  It's like croutons on a salad.

It livens up any bland statement.  Please see the following for some real world examples of statement livening.

"The jury found the teen guilty.  They sentenced him to death."

Pretty drab.  Now see what happens when we add an exclamation point. 

"The jury found the teen guilty.  They sentenced him to death!"

Other examples of an exclamation point bringing a sentence to life:

"The plane crash killed everybody on board!"

"I have a sexually transmitted disease!"

It can also be used to show sarcasm. 

"Your new haircut is nifty!"

"This potato salad is really good!"

The versatility of the exclamation point is almost as good as this bottle of vodka.  Feeling blue?  Let's add an exclamation point to your sentences!  Still feeling down?  Have a glass of vodka.

This Life is Beyond Wonderful!

Today I examine a Christmas classic.  Rocky, of the liquor store, also sells deeply discounted DVDs, and I couldn't justify buying the actual movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," so I picked up, "Henry Potter and the Financial Crisis."  He assured me that it was "just as good" as a real Harry Potter movie and the bottle of vodka was inexpensive too.  So, it was a "win-win" situation.

This follows the day-to-day activities of Henry Potter, who owns a payday loan store.  Instead of a wand he points a pen at customers, and growls things like, "Where's my fucking money, you fucking deadbeat?  And tell your fucking kids to stop looking at me."

Sometimes he growls at employees to, saying things like, "The fucking line at your window is backing up you fucking dumb-ass."

Despite Potter's surly disposition, he proves to be an important source of liquidity during the financial crisis brought on by the reckless practices of George Bailey, owner of Bailey Financial Group, played by an obviously drunken Jimmy Stewart.

He made dangerous sub-prime loans all over Bedford Falls and then insured them, telling his banker pals during one of his extensive Martini lunches, "What could possibly go wrong?"

He decides to jump off a bridge (which seems totally reasonable - given that he has nearly destroyed the economy of Bedford Falls) but is accidently saved by a guardian angel, who thought Bailey was somebody else.  The angel says, "Goddammit, you're not Paulson!  I'm in the shit now."

The movie then plods along for two more hours.  I could have done without the lengthy (and graphic) domestic violence scene.  Luckily I had this bottle of vodka.  I feel ripped off and won't be getting anymore movies from the liquor store.

Binder Clip

Today I examine the binder clip.  Because Steve is in the jail laundry room fighting off the advances of Bogs, I'm fresh out of ideas.  Steve was the idea man, as well as the expert photographer.  So, I started opening cabinets, came across a box of binder clips, and shouted, "Eureka!"

My buxom office assistant Jenna came rushing in, broke a heel, and said, "What is it Mr. Thornhill?"

"You broke a heel."

"Yeah I know.  What should I do, Mr. Thornhill?"

"I think you should take your shirt off."

"If you say so Mr. Thornhill."

Jenna sat on the corner of my mahogany desk and started unbuttoning her shirt -

Oh, wait, that didn't actually happen quite that way.  What actually happened was I opened a cabinet and came across this box of binder clips that I took from my last job.  I shouted, "I guess that will do."

The lady upstairs said, "What?"

I politely replied, "Nothing, you disgusting bitch-hole."

Anyway, I wish I still had that job.  It was pretty cushy.  It's a shame but I got fired for allegedly stealing office supplies.  What a fucking injustice that was.

So, let's examine the binder clip.  It's for attaching a lot of papers together - when there are too many for a paper clip.  They come in different sizes too.  That's about all there is to say about binder clips.

Gold Rush S05E09 - a review

Welcome to the ninth installment of my series, entitled, 'Is This Stupid Show Over Yet?'  In this groundbreaking series, I ask none of the questions that have been plaguing historians for decades.  I also ask none of the questions that have been plaguing theologians for thousands of years, such as, "What is the nature of life?" and, "Why does God hate me so much?"

I may just quit doing these stupid reviews.  In fact, I think I will.  So there.  It's the same old shit they did last week.  It's essentially Deadliest Catch but with almost no chance of Todd Hoffman falling overboard.

Here's the title screen.

Here, Todd Hoffman enjoys a jelly donut despite warnings from his doctor.

And finally, Todd Hoffman tries to get into shape for the upcoming mining season.

Fuck this show.

A Christmas Story

Today we, I mean I, (Steve is in the county jail fending off the advances of a group of men in the projection room) have a complete and totally thorough look at the baby Jesus - who was eaten by the three wise men.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

According to this picture above, the baby Jesus only had hay to sleep on.  He didn't even have a pillow.  But he had a gold colored crown that Joe picked up at a nearby pawn shop for $7.99.  I don't know just what the baby Jesus is looking at.  It could be a flying saucer.

There aren't many accounts of the unfolding scene at the manger, but one of them suggests cannibalism.  The song 'Silent Night' portrays the baby Jesus as being "tender and mild," which can only mean that he was eaten.  I bet it was the three wise men who ate him, but we'll never know for certain.  Towards the end of the song (nobody ever gets this far) the lyrics suggest that the baby Jesus "tasted like pork."

At any rate, the baby Jesus is honored atop Christmas trees the world over.  I recall precious childhood memories of the installation of the baby Jesus ornament.

"Stephen, do you want anymore dirt?" said mom.

"No thanks mom!"

"You better eat all the dirt she put on your plate, you little shit.  Dirt doesn't grow on trees you know." said father.

After we finished our dirt it was time for father to install (plug in) the ornament.  He would take a big drink out of his can of beer, and in a scene repeated throughout Christian households, the baby Jesus would light up and start spinning.

REO Speedwagon

Today I focus on the inspirational music of REO Speedwagon.  Normally WE would write this article but Steve got behind on child support so they threw him in jail.  In case you were wondering, Steve's son, Timmy, is doing great!  Thanks to medication, little Timmy no longer starts fires and has learned that cats don't like water.  Unfortunately, neither Steve nor his ex-wife can afford military school so for now the public school system will have to do.  Anyway, today it's just me.

To compliment religious TV (I can't afford cable) I've been listening to the collective inspirational works of REO Speedwagon.  Below is a list of some of their early hits.  This is not an exhaustive list.

The early songs of REO
Keep Pushin
Ridin' the Storm Out
Roll with the Changes (could easily be reclassified)
Only the Strong Survive

But the 80s came along and REO was caught flat-footed (whatever that means) so they had to adapt.  Their plan was to turn into a soft rock band.  Soft rock means that the drummer restrains himself so as not to offend dentists.

The latter (shitty) songs of REO are legion and make one want to drink gasoline to induce vomiting.  Their biggest hit from that period, 'When Loving Lovers Love' is shown below.

Christmas Songs

Today we go under the hood and examine the lyrics of some popular Christmas songs. As you will see, some of them are rather outdated, while some are downright messed up.

Joy to the World

Joy to the world, the Lord is come!

Let earth receive her King;

(Elvis?)

Let every heart prepare Him room,

And Heaven and nature sing,

And Heaven and nature sing,

And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the world, the Savior reigns!

Let men their songs employ;

While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains

(Floods?  Surely Elvis wouldn't ruin our crops.  I guess we live in a feudal society.)

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

(The ground is infested with thorns?  Fuck you, Elvis.)

He comes to make His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found,

Far as the curse is found,

Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders, wonders, of His love.

(This whole passage makes us think of a North Korean dictator.)

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

On a one horse open sleigh

(What did you feed this horse?  Does this sleigh have air bags?)

O'er the fields we go,

Laughing all the way

(I must have missed the joke.)

Bells on bob tail ring,

(What the hell is a bob tail?)

making spirits bright

What fun it is to laugh and sing

(I'm not having fun.  Why is everybody drunk?)

A sleighing song tonight

(This sleigh is a death trap.)

Silent Night

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon Virgin Mother and Child

(Yeah, yeah, the amazing virgin birth.)

Holy Infant so tender and mild

(The three wise men ate the baby Jesus?  Sick!  I guess they must have been hungry after that long trip.)

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!

Shepherds quake at the sight

Glories stream from heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!

Christ, the Saviour is born

Christ, the Saviour is born

(It should be 'was' not 'is.' But whatever, that's the least of my problems with these songs.)

Silent night, holy night

Son of God, love's pure light

(For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have mashed potatoes, stuffing, and cranberries.)

With dawn of redeeming grace

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

Gold Rush S05E08 - a review

Today we examine Discovery Channel's show, Gold Rush.  Just like we did last week, we'll offer up an invasive account of Todd Hoffman's trip to the supermarket.  Will he get the store-brand frozen pizza or will he get a DiGiorno?  Will he wait until he gets to the car or to pop open that can of Pringles or will he eat them before the commercial?  At any rate, this is the eighth installment of our series, entitled, 'The Joke Is On Me.'

Parker and his crew discuss moving their gold mining operation to the end of this rainbow.

A Hoffman crew member arms the siren on their pile of shit. 

Scrappers attempt to steal Tony Beets' pile of shit.

"I can't believe they took my ******* pile of shit."

"... did they get the whole frigging pile of shit?"

Multiple Choice

Below is a super-important quiz.  We use it to weed out unqualified readers, or we could have a crazy person running around in here.  You will be scored on punctuality, appearance, and how well you fit into the group.

Please answer the following.

1) The word amazing is _________.

• amazing
• nifty
• nasty
• crappy

2) There is nothing more  _________ than the word amazing.

• overused
• stupid
• amazing
• this is dumb

3) I plan on discontinuing the use of all other adjectives.

• True
• False

4) This post-it note is _________.

• tasty
• green, you color blind motherfucker.
• amazing 
• beyond amazing 

5) The alien spaceship on the White House lawn is _________.

• okay, I suppose
• going to kill our president
• gleaming in the afternoon sun.  I bet it's made out of aluminum. 
• going to kill our leaders with its death rays.  I'm glad I'm not in Congress.

 6) This grace is _________.

• amazing
• amazingly amazing
• epic
• really amazing

The Amazing Amazing Amazing

This amazing amazing is rather amazing.  The amazingly amazing amazing is amazing.  One amazing thing amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing.  Amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing.

The amazing, fucking amazing, amazing amazing.  Below is amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing.

Isn't amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing nifty amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing?

Copernicus

Copernicus, first name Earl, is believed to have been born in 1473 in Thorn, an unincorporated hamlet located in Royal Prussia. Among historians there is widespread disagreement as to precisely where Royal Prussia is located, some believing it to be near Russia, others insisting that it's in Poland. What remains clear is that we may never know.

Nostradamus, first name Dustin, a favorite drinking buddy of Copernicus, was an uncredited influence on some of his most famous theories, including the heliocentric theory of the solar system. Scribbling drawings on bar napkins with a number zero pencil (it would be centuries later until the development of the number two pencil) the duo explored the depths of astronomy.

In 1499 the two were often seen together at O'Leary's pub in New South Hamptonshire in London, England. Despite lacking proper scientific equipment, they fashioned a telescope out of a rocks glass that happened to be poorly manufactured, and thus allowed light to refract and magnify distant objects. This led to Copernicuses famous theory of Heliocentricity, which remains to this day as one of the standout theories developed while drunk.

Stated simply, the theory states that the Earth is not the center of the universe and actually revolves
around the Sun. Of course, these names were not widely used in the 15th century. His original theory,
published in the Washington Post in 1501, ran under the headlline "Lumpy dirt ball spins around yellow fire ball."

Sadly, he died at some point and never lived to see the legacy of his discoveries. The legacy of his
discoveries being that he was totally wrong. It was proven years after his death that the Earth is not a
ball but somewhat flat, more like Ashlee Simpson's singing, and the Sun is held in place by a large Space Stick, which allows it to move from side to side much like a pendulum in an upside down grandfather clock.

Lobotomy

Today we look at getting a lobotomy.  We've always wanted one for Christmas but last year we got an Amazon gift card.  Amazon sells everything so it was probably a good idea.

Happiness is a mental disorder and we're supposed to pursue it.   Here we thought that a lobotomy was the way to go.  Anyway, the declaration of independence was written a few thousand years ago when our country (pre-selected by God - his favorite place) was run by wealthy white men who liked to wear silver wigs.  When they said, "all men are created equal" that's just what they meant.  No exceptions!  Screw poor people, women, minorities, people who can't afford silver wigs, dogs, geriatrics, the handicapped, and everybody not specifically mentioned in the previous paragraph.  Thomas Jefferson pushed for this clause but got out-voted.  An example of who they had in mind when this was written was Ernest Shackleton.

What's wrong with the picture below?

Yes, you're correct!  Very good!  Nice work!

I should have been a teacher.

Anyway, how the fuck should I know what your answer was?  If your answer was, "The driver of that sailing ship got stuck in a snowbank" then you got it right.  We will also accept, "Shackleton was an idiot."

Shackleton was an insane Englishman who previously chased butterflies in the Galapagos islands.  He also studied Malaria, Cholera, and Polio.  He died of Syphilis.  Because he was so wealthy, he had all this spare time on his hands, one day he got bored, and said to his wife - who was having the servants make some toast, "I think I'll lead an expedition to the South Pole and drive my ship into a snowbank and then we can make snow angels."

His wife said, "You better wear a heavy coat.  It's pretty cold down there." 

So, he put an ad in the local newspaper.  It read, "Wanted: Virile men needed for expedition to South Pole.  Will probably die a horrible death.  Due to tax laws, can only pay 1 pence per day as a contractor - 1099."

Upon his triumphant return that very same newspaper printed, "SHACKLETON RETURNS!  NOT EVERY CREWMEMBER DIED!"

What's our point?  We forget.  Something about a lobotomy.  Oh yeah, we want one for Christmas.  Or an amputation.  Amputees always have a good disposition.