Poetry

Since I'm obviously a talented and accomplished writer, I wanted to find out if I could write poetry too.  As it turns out, I'm a brilliant poet as well.  I'm probably in the top fifty of living poets who have a blog.  Below are some of my latest brilliant pieces.  Some of these are so brilliant that they seem terrible.  It's okay if you mis-read them the first few times.

BTW, you might want to cover little Timmy's eyes - the following poems contain adult language and situations.  Although little Timmy has seen and heard much worse, let's pretend that your parenting skills can make a difference at this late stage.

Poetry

Poems don't need to rhyme

Or have any particular format

Whatsoever!

Like this piece of shit

Apartment

I wish there

Was a window

In this apartment

It's very dark in here

And cold

Adolf & Eva

Hi honey, how was your day?
One of the furnaces broke
What did you do?
We had to shoot people

I bet that was hard on the men
 Yeah, then they ran out of ammo
What did you do?
We buried them alive

I bet that was hard on the men
Then the excavator threw a track
What did you do?
We had to strangle them

One For the Children
Here’s one for you kids, it’s wholesome and fun!
No adult stuff, its recess time, let’s all run!
Bears and birds and balloons and clowns!
Come on Timmy, turn that frown upside down!

Learning is fun, let’s sing a song!
If you can’t sing, just play along!
Before you know it, all of you will be smart!
Come on Timmy, can’t you play your part?

Jenny wants to be an astronaut, Billy a cop!
Lindsay a nurse and Tony will push a mop!
Each of you are special, everyone just pick!
Come on Timmy, why do you look sick?

We all have to fit in, we all have our place!
Tommy wants to spray protesters with mace!
Do as I say, don’t disrupt the rest!
Come on Timmy, why are you such a pest?

So come along now and I won’t tell your mother!
I never had such trouble with your brother!
Don’t be late!  Don’t make a mistake!
Come on Timmy, don’t ruin your fate!

A job, a wife and some kids make a life!
I can’t be any more concise!
I give up, you just don’t pay attention!
Go on Timmy, go to your detention!

Gold Rush S05E07 - a review

Today (or tonight -  I don't know when you're reading this) we review Discovery channel's super mega-hit, extra-special, massively massive, Gold Rush TV show, which follows Todd Hoffman in his attempt to take everyone's money while promising nebulous returns.  This is part seven of our 475 part series, entitled, "Why Would You Give the Hoffman's a Half Million Dollars?"

Todd Hoffman asks these tourists if they can spare $300,000.  It seems he needs the money to catch a bus and get some potato salad. 

Jack Hoffman says not to worry because Nancy is on the way and she makes a delicious potato salad.  They just need to find 60 pounds of potatoes after the next commercial. 

"Wouldn't you rather have some macaroni salad?  You don't have to decide until after the next commercial."

"No potatoes here."

"I think a Viking song about rowing is in order.  Just substitute the word potato for boat.  Let's get ******** started."

"No potatoes here."

"I have a good feeling about this ground.  I think we'll find lots of potatoes."

Tony Beets gets 15% of Parker's potato salad. 

"Guys, there are no potatoes here.  It looks like we're going to have to go to Russia.  We need lebensraum for miners.  Dad can you lead us in prayer?"

Steve's Photography

Steve wanted to show off his photography, which he is rather proud of, so he asked me put these pictures on my blog.  I said, "You know, you can have your own blog.  It's not a big deal."

He replied, "You know I can't work a fucking computer!  Besides, the fuckers don't work right around me because of the plate in my head.  Would you just do it?"

"Okay, okay!  But you have to get me a Big Mac."

"Sounds like a fair deal."

A Big Mac. 

Here's what it really looked like. 

Steve ran into a nearby office and took this picture of the lobby.  The receptionist called the police but Steve didn't wait around to see what was going to happen next.  He figured they were going to take his camera-phone and beat him with their batons.

This is Steve's half-sister at her graduation ceremony.  Actually, it was an online college so the place only had a mailbox at a UPS store.  So, we took Shelley to the mall and Steve snapped this photo so we could look back at Shelley's proud day. 

This angry duck stole Steve's hamburger. 

There's something in this photo but we don't remember.  Steve thinks it's Bigfoot. 

This is Steve's youngest half-sister Brittany posing in front of the liquor store.

Steve's cat - Mr. Vanderbilt. 

Beating a Dead Horse

I guess it's perfectly fine to beat a dead horse but what about a live one?   Why would you* want to abuse an animal?  It might just kick you in the head if you're not careful, like it did to our photographer, Steve.  That plate in Steve's head always puts the security screeners on edge, so today's lesson is not to abuse a horse.

We sent Steve out to get a picture of a horse on his camera-phone for this blog but he didn't want to go.  He said, "No fucking way!  I'm not getting near one of those motherfuckers!  Fuck you!  I can't go into an airport without a bunch of fucking pigs drawing down on me, fucker!"

Then he flipped his cigarette at us and ran off down the street and into the liquor store.  What a strange time to want a bag of Skittles.  Anyway, being Steve-less we had to come up with this rendering of a horse.  We think it turned out pretty good.  Can you tell it's a Clydesdale?

*Berating the reader is one of the few acceptable reasons to use the second person POV. 

Positive Statements

We're going to focus on the positive, because negativity can get you down.  As mother always said, "Fuck you, negativity!"  She also said, "Don't wear your sisters clothes - Jesus will cut your dick off."  Anyway -

Positive statements

• The Trivago guy is better than a leaking barrel of toxic waste.
• The State Farm commercials are better than being sodomized by a prison guard with a migraine and a broken off mop handle.

Let's add an exclamation point to increase the positivity.

Positive statements but with an exclamation point to increase the positivity

• The Nationwide commercials are better than being told, "... if you don't convert to Islam we'll cut your fucking head off!  Hey infidel, is that the new iPhone?  My contract is up soon!"
• The GEICO commercials are better than getting run over by a dump truck with a double rear axle!
• As one gets older, winter gets shorter and shorter!  (assuming one hates winter)
• Waking up next to a dead hooker isn't that unusual!  Don't panic!
• Commercials with Blake Griffin are better than a sexually transmitted disease!

NFL Player Names

Today we look at some (many) of the strange names that seem to be legion in the NFL.  One Sunday the name Tyrod flashed on our screen.  Apparently nobody objected when Tyrod's proud mother named her son after a front suspension part of a car.

But our favorite player is Plaxico Burress.  "We have to go back to Lowe's.  I forgot to pick up a roll of Plaxico."  Or, "I'm glad this Plaxico is really thick.  That monkey is really angry.  He'd tear us apart."

This list is not comprehensive but it's pretty darn long.

Buffalo Bills

88 Marquise Goodwin
48 MarQueis Gray
66 Seantrel Henderson

• I believe it's pronounced 'Marcus.'  I bet Mr. Gray has a lot of trouble ordering checks. 

Miami Dolphins

33 LaMichael James
11 Mike Wallace
70 Ja'Wuan James

• Isn't Wallace a little old to be playing football?

 New England Patriots

54 Dont'a Hightower
30 Duron Harmon

• The Hightower guys name doesn't make any sense to anyone at the intersection.  I wasn't able to get any useful data.  Of the people who put down their window, one said, "Fuck off, creep!"  The other said that I should, "Go fuck myself," which is clearly impossible.

• I think Duron is a battery.  They've always worked well for me. 

New York Jets

60 D'Brickashaw Ferguson
95 Antwan Barnes
37 Jaiquawn Jarrett

• Brickashaw just wasn't quite weird enough already, so his mother added the ''D'. '

Baltimore Ravens

• Nothing jumped out at us. 

Cincinnati Bengals

55 Vontaze Burfict
51 Jayson DiManche
53 Marquis Flowers
21 Darqueze Dennard

• Burfict gets a high score for a name that starts with the letter V. 

• "Be sure to put some Darqueze on both sides of that board."

Cleveland Browns

67 Ishmaa'ily Kitchen
36 K'Waun Williams

• Ishmaa'ily Bathroom just doesn't sound right - like Kitchen does.

 Pittsburgh Steelers

53 Maurkice Pouncey
41 Antwon Blake

• Must be a typo on the birth certificate.  

 Houston Texans

23 Arian Foster
10 DeAndre Hopkins
80 Andre Johnson
13 Damaris Johnson
82 Keshawn Martin
11 DeVier Posey
90 Jadeveon Clowney

• So, this Foster guy is a white supremacist?  

Indianapolis Colts

37 Zurlon Tipton
30 LaRon Landry 

• "Yes, commander Zurlon, we are orbiting planet Zoloft.  Should I inform ambassador Paxil?"

Jacksonville Jaguars

11 Marqise Lee
89 Marcedes Lewis
99 Sen'Derrick Marks

• "Audi was taken.  Let's just spell Mercedes with an A."

• "We present the honorable senator Marks."

Tennessee Titans

90 DaQuan Jones
97 Karl Klug

• Karl's middle name is his grandfather's first name, Kevin.  

Denver Broncos

88 Demaryius Thomas
93 Quanterus Smith
94 DeMarcus Ware
38 Quinton Carter

• "Yes, commander Zurlon, the star in this solar system is a type M.  It's called, Quanterus."

 Kansas City Chiefs

35 Charcandrick West
88 Junior Hemingway
92 Dontari Poe

• A descendant of Ernest? 

• Dontari should go by E.A. 

Oakland Raiders

28 Latavius Murray
49 Jamize Olawale
12 Brice Butler
17 Denarius Moore
85 Kenbrell Thompkins
81 Mychal Rivera

• What the hell is a Brice? 

• What the hell is a Kenbrell? 

• What the hell is a Latavius?  It must be from the Bible. 

• "I want to name him Michael, but let's fuck up the spelling."

San Diego Chargers

89 Ladarius Green
58 Tourek Williams

• "You can stop the bleeding by using a Tourek."

Dallas Cowboys

90 DeMarcus Lawrence
56 Dekoda Watson

• America's team 

New York Giants

43 Orleans Darkwa
98 Damontre Moore
53 Jameel McClain
35 Quintin Demps

• Let's go to Orleans for Gras.

Philadelphia Eagles

• Nothing that leaps out at us.

Washington Redskins

11 DeSean Jackson

• Like the famous Spanish conquistador, DeSoto. 

Chicago Bears

25 Ka'Deem Carey
32 Senorise Perry
95 Ego Ferguson

• Let's watch the Senorise. 

• See also the id, the Ferguson, and the super-Ferguson. 

Detroit Lions

66 LaAdrian Waddle
54 DeAndre Levy

• These are pretty mainstream. 

Green Bay Packers

26 DuJuan Harris
98 Letroy Guion
95 Datone Jones

• I use only Datone recordable DVDs.

Minnesota Vikings

• We're getting so tired of this topic. 

Atlanta Falcons

77 Ra'Shede Hageman

• Blah blah blah. 

Carolina Panthers

34 DeAngelo Williams
10 De'Andre Presley
57 Adarius Glanton

• More fucked up names.

New Orleans Saints

29 Khiry Robinson
12 Marques Colston

• Khiry is on the Marques.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

54 Lavonte David
26 Crezdon Butler
38 Dashon Goldson

• "Would you like some Crezdon on your toast?" 

Arizona Cardinals

98 Frostee Rucker

• His parental units were going to name him 'Ice Cream Sandwich' but that seemed kind of crazy.  

St. Louis Rams

20 Lamarcus Joyner
47 Marcus Roberson

• How many variations of Marcus have we seen?

San Francisco 49ers

81 Anquan Boldin

• Better than Antwan.

Seattle Seahawks

87 RaShaun Allen

• The big discussion in the hospital room was whether to name the baby Allen

Gold Rush S05E06 - a review

Today we examine Discovery Channel's hit show, Gold Rush.  This is the sixth installment of our five million part series, entitled, 'I Wonder If They Will Find Enough Gold After This Commercial.'

Santa Claus asks, "What would you like for Christmas little boy?" 

Tony Beets decides that playing around in the dirt all day is "for the ******* birds" and he'd rather "have some ****** mashed potatoes." 

Parker explains to the camera that he'd like some mashed potatoes too. 

Todd Hoffman explains that he tried the potatoes diet but he was always hungry.

Todd Hoffman explains that he tried the gravy diet too but was always hungry.

Todd Hoffman explains that he tried the the peas and carrots diet as well but was always hungry.

Instead he's having a bowl of dirt. 

"I bet you want a bright red race car, don't you, little boy?  Why don't you jump up here and sit on Santa's lap?"

Dave Something squishes his forehead together and speaks in Klingon.

This woman has been in the show lately.  I don't get it.  She doesn't even mine for gold.

My Calendar

I figured the internet community would benefit if I put my calendar online, so here it is.  As you will see, I'm very busy, and interruptions to my important activities will not be possible.  Please call my administrative assistant for the latest schedule.

Sunday:  Make snarky tweets about the Discovery Channel (#DiscoveryChannel) and/or Naked and Afraid. (#NakedAndAfraid)

Monday:  Bet on Monday Night Football.  Throw things at TV when I lose.

Tuesday:  Watch 'Ink Master.'  Throw things at TV for no discernable reason.

Wednesday:  Watch 'Survivor.'  Throw things at TV.  Try and hit Jeff Probst.

Thursday:  Yell at the trees and rocks outside.

Friday:  Make a snarky blog post about Gold Rush.  Include lots of pictures because America has the reading level of a fourth grader.  And they're stupid and obese too.

Saturday:  Plan for the week ahead.

Rush is Better Than Sliced Bread

Today we review the collective works of Rush - the famous Canadian export.  We thought April Wine was the best thing since sliced bread but we obviously had it all wrong.

1. Geddy Lee's bizarre warbling.  Geddy went in the hospital to get his pie-hole sewn shut but the doctor said, "I can't operate on him.  This is my son."
   
   
   So they summoned another doctor.   The doctor said, "I can't operate on him.  This is my son."
   
   
   How is this possible?
   
   Incidentally, here are Geddy Lee's original notes for the 'Moving Pictures' album. 
   
   
   
2. Neil Peart's indulgent drumming.  When Neil was a little boy, his mother asked, "Hey Neil, you little shit, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
   
   
   "I want to play drums for an overrated rock band and our singer will have a big nose and sound like our car when you turn the wheel all the way!"
   
   "I see.  Mommy would like your father to stop drinking and stop hitting mommy, but you can't always get what you want."
   
   "My drum set will have a thousand pieces!"
   
   
3. The fucked-up weird as hell songs.  From Tom Sawyer to salesmen.  Geddy Lee screams about them both as though they're threatening him with a rusty steak knife.

Gold Rush S05E05 - a review

Today we examine Discovery Channel's hit show - Gold Rush.  This is the fifth installment of our totally epic series, entitled, 'Gary Kotter And the Amazing Pot of Gold.'  This episode concentrates on Gary Kotter and his efforts to revive John Travolta's stalled acting career.  Mr. Kotter suggests shooting up the hospital.

Travolta says, after careful consideration, "No, that's not going to work.  You have to kill yourself at the end and I don't want to do that."

Mr. Kotter then suggests that John go to Alaska with his insane father, Jack, and try mining for gold.  John thinks it's a fine idea.

"Swell!  I'll do that," he says.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let's look at the recap.

Todd Hoffman is buying pizza for crew for lunch.  He calls his dad for advice.

Jack says Dominos has a special on two large two topping pizzas and maybe to try that one.  He doesn't really care as long as it has sausage. 

"Yeah I'd like six of those frigging two topping pizzas deals."

"Why do I always have to be ******* Santa Claus?  What about the jolly fat man in ******* HR?"

The Domino's pizza tracker indicates Todd's pizzas are on the way. 

"Yeah, Todd, I like Mushrooms."

In a totally spontaneous, unscripted moment between Dave Something and Guy McSomeguy, they discuss the pizzas. 

In a poignant scene, Dave Something confers with his brother, Burt Reynolds. 

Santa "killer" Claus

With the holidays approaching (like a category five hurricane), we examine Santa Claus - the notorious serial killer.  Since a powerful hurricane is coming, we're off to get plywood sheets and some bottled water.  I hope they still have some.  Anyway, we have a look at the lyrics to 'Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town,' written by Bernie Taupin.

Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list,

Checking it twice;

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake
...

The last part (excluded - there could be children reading) just gets worse and worse with Taupin writing about living on the farm again.  This time he writes about killing chickens and enslaving the population.  At least there's no talk this time of toads. 

Life Advice

Today I focus on your life*, because mine is so perfect and I have all this extra time just laying around the place.

Simply skip over the following items until you find the one that applies to your life.

• My thought world is all jacked.

Q:  What should I do?
A:  Shoot yourself in the head.

• My son had a bad report card.

Q:  What should I do?
A:  Shoot yourself in the head. 

• I'm having chest pains and experiencing shortness of breath. 

Q:  What should I do?
A:  You're probably having a cardiac incident.  You should shoot yourself in the head.

• I don't have a firearm.

Q:  What should I do?
A:  You can jump out the window.  Why don't you Google 'suicide methods'? 

• I just shot myself in the head.  But I survived. 

Q:  What should I do?
A:  Try putting the gun in your mouth, jump out a window, or just try running into traffic.  How should I know?

• I'm dead but don't care much for it.  Nothing like the Jehovas Witnesses brochures.  You can't have pets either. 

Q:  What should I do?
A:  Try jumping out a window, or run into traffic - assuming there's any traffic.  How should I know?

• There are no windows here and there's no traffic either.

Q:  What should I do?
A:  You should - never mind.

• Wait!  What?

Q:  What were you going to say?
A:  Nothing.  Forget it.

• I said that I don't like it!  I really don't like this Nazi dentist either.  He keeps asking if "It's safe?" 

Q:  What should I do?
A:  Tell him it's safe and run away. 

• I think I went to Hell.

Q:  What should I do?
A:  Stop haunting me.  

• Wait!  What?

Q:  What did you say?
A:  I said stop haunting me, now go away you demonic fuck. 

*WARNING!  The second person POV is used rather liberally throughout this post.

Mole Sauce

Today we examine Mole sauce.  Mole is Spanish for, "Put some of that weird shit on my enchilada, please."

*serving suggestion

As if the innards of my enchilada weren't quite weird enough already, I'd like to slather a tar-like substance over it.

"I'd like some of that bitter black sauce on my enchilada, please.  And use a mop."

Mole sauce was invented by a crazed Mexican scientist, Dr. Strangelove, who listed Dr. Josef Mengele as a reference on his resume.  The absent minded Dr. Strangelove was eating lunch in his lab and accidently knocked over a beaker of enchilada sauce.  It mixed with a beaker of an unknown material meant for the trash.  The doctor said, "Eureka!" and Mole sauce was discovered.  It also became payback for the Americans taking California.

The more you know.

Led Zeppelin vs. A Baked Potato

Today we examine that age old question: Which is better, the group Led Zeppelin or a baked potato?  In one corner are one of the founding members of the heavy metal genre and in the opposite corner is a potato. 

But first let's have a look at the most prized possession in the rock and roll hall of fame.  I'm writing, of course, about Jimmy Page's first banjo. 

This the instrument used in their early classic, 'I'm Tired of Sitting on This Porch, I'm Going Inside.'  This was when Jimmy Page wrote the lyrics.  He then decided that something was lacking so they hired an expert - a houseplant.

Mr. Page would write the music and then throw the song over the cubicle wall and the houseplant would add squealing and some inexplicable lyrics.  To illustrate the point, please consider the houseplant's lyrics on 'The Rover.'  The houseplant sings (like a loose alternator belt) about joining hands as though it's a big problem. 

"Hey you kids!  Stop holding hands!  Smoke all the pot you want, though."

But anyway, this was supposed to be about Led Zeppelin versus a baked potato in a fight to the death.  A clash of titans.  A war of something.  Other clichés!

I'm sad to say that we didn't get very far because we got hungry and ate the potato.  It was a little bland and we wanted to add some butter but we didn't have any.  To be totally fair we ate Led Zeppelin's album 'Houses of the Holy' but it wasn't very good.  We (our photographer Steve) cut his mouth when chewing on it and I had to take him to the emergency room. 

#LedZeppelin