Gold Rush S05E03 - a review

Today we review Discovery channel's TV show - Gold Rush.  This is the third installment of our endless series, entitled, 'Todd Hoffman is a Sociopath."

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

"I don't have any chickens."

"I don't mean that literally.  What I mean is that you shouldn't rely on something that you are unsure about.  You shouldn't make plans based on assumptions that can lead to disappointment.  Now then, I have a really good feeling about this land."

"Our drummer quit.  Do you know of anyone?"

"But I don't want to be a drummer."

"Now just grab the bag with both ******* hands.  Here, give me that ******* bag and I'll open it.  Like this, now ******* pay attention."

The producers followed Todd Hoffman to his doctors appointment.  I don't know why they showed his colonoscopy video. 

This guy's mustache is going to have its own show. 

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road revisited revisited

Today I revisit the examination of the first reexamination of the Sir Elton John classic, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.'  I'm like a dog with a bone on this one.  The main problem is that, once being exposed (like Cholera) to the lyrics, I can't listen to this one anymore.  I want my $1.29 back.

Between all the horny toads hopping around, society's howling dogs, and bizarre talk of plows and farming, this song is permanently ruined.  It appears that Elton would sing anything that Taupin put in front of him.  He could tear a page out of a phone book and Elton would have wrapped a catchy tune around it.

Goodbye yellow brick road
Mr. Nussmeier can be reached at
316-5817
And don't step on these toads

Gold Rush S05E02 - a review

Today we review Discovery channel's TV show - Gold Rush.  This is the second installment of our never ending series, entitled, 'Why Do I Watch This Shit?'

Everybody is apparently unconcerned about the dog that Parker ran over and killed.

Tony Beets takes his new crane for a test drive.  He runs over and kills a dog.  "What's a ******* dog doing up here in ******* Alaska?"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

"What was that, Dad?"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away is a type of idiom in the English language meaning that maintaining regular, healthy habits helps to prevent illness. Unlike many sayings, this phrase can be interpreted literally in some cases. Apples are one of the healthiest foods available and their regular consumption is linked to a reduced risk of a variety of illnesses. It is thought that the idiom originated in Wales during the 1860s, but, in Rustic Speech and Folk-lore, Elizabeth Wright first used the modern version of the phrase in 1913, which added to its fame. It was then widely circulated throughout the century and still remains popular."

"I'm taking my grandfather's last $100 and starting a band.  Fuck this digging in the dirt shit.  I'm going to sing and play guitar.  We're still looking for a drummer."

"Heavenly father, we ask that you bless this hole with lots of apples.  And when you get a minute can you have a look at my cataracts?"

5 Things My Parental Units Never Told Me

In no particular order.  The following list could have really come in handy.

1) "Never trust anybody over twenty."  This is an old hippie saying but I've lowered the age from thirty to twenty.  One could lower it even more but twenty is a nice, even number.

2) "Look out for that Tom guy.  He's fucking crazy."

3) "Stay off the yellow brick road.  Your father was on his hands and knees scrubbing it."

4) "Do you want to stay in a larger petri dish?"

5) "Put that rusty can down.  You'll get an infection."

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road revisited

Today we re-examine the Sir Elton John classic, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.'  We're having another look because an important element was inadvertently left out.  We're speaking, of course, of the pack of howling dogs of society that lurk on the yellow brick road.

We'd like to know, Mr. Taupin, just what the hell you're talking about?  The yellow brick road is filled with howling dogs?

Do they have rabies?  Elton doesn't warn us.  Maybe we should get a vaccination, just to be safe?

"Stay off that fucking brick road," the good witch says.

"You mean that yellow one?" says Dorothy.

"Yeah, that's the one.  The one with the howling dogs of society."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"You know?"

The good witch puts her hands in her pockets, looks down at the ground, and starts kicking at a spot in the dirt.  She adds, "The dogs?  You know, the dogs of society?"

"Oh that's right!  The dogs of society!  I like dogs!  Have you met Toto?  I keep him in this basket for some reason."

"Just stay off that fucking road.  Be right back - a toad is hopping by.  Never mind guys.  There are no horns on its back.  You were saying?"

God is Amazing

Today we examine God - a totally comprehensive and completely even-handed look at our creator.  We try to answer important questions that theologians have been asking for years, such as, why does he love killing people with water?  And, was Jesus such a disappointment that he let him get murdered?  And perhaps the most important, why is he always helping NFL players score touchdowns?

Why didn't God marry Mary?  He was drunk (read your Bible people!) that night.  Mary explained the pregnancy to Joe (the original chump) by saying that it must be God's baby.

Why didn't Jesus marry Mary?  This was still the old testament and so God was constantly angry.  He told Jesus, "She's a fucking hooker!  Jesus, Jesus!  What are you thinking?  Do you want me to flood your basement?"

Does God like sports other than football?  What about lacrosse?  He likes every sporting event equally.  He's God.  He doesn't play favorites.  We're just kidding!  Like most of America, he thinks lacrosse is stupid.  He likes football, baseball, and soccer - to name a few.  What do these have in common?  They're primarily played in open-air stadiums.  God hates domed stadiums because he can't see inside, otherwise he would follow the NBA.  His dislike of domed stadiums also explains hurricane Katrina.  He likes boxing though.  That's because he's got HBO.

Is America God's favorite country?  Obviously America is God's favorite country.  That's why there are so many songs.  In fact, the original lyrics to 'God Bless America' included the line, "fuck Belgium," but the publisher thought that the line was too divisive and it was dropped.

Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Today, we (our expert staff) examine the lyrics to the Sir Elton John classic, 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.'

Even though it was written over forty years ago it still has numerous elements that remain pertinent today.

We aren't going to put the lyrics below or Sir Elton's legal team will throw us and our friends/family in a concentration camp.  The cops will be on their side, by the way.

Of course, Bernie Taupin wrote all of Elton's early stuff.  Then he threw the song over the cubicle wall and Elton put it to music.  The result can be a little strange.  For example, right out of the gate, Elton sings about how he "should have stayed on the farm."  Elton, like most of us from the 70s, grew up on a farm in 1936.  FDR was the only president we knew.  The dust bowl, the great depression, and the stock market crash were a recent memory.

Then they give us a break for a second, but like a Jehovah's Witness on a Saturday morning, they jump right back in again like nothing happened.  Taupin writes, and so Elton sings, about "... you can't lock me in your penthouse."  Yeah, we know the feeling!  Incidentally, the toilet runs in our penthouse.  Just jiggle the handle and it should stop.

Then Bernie hits us with this insane ultimatum: "... going back to my plow."  A penthouse or a plow?  Let us think about this one for a second.  Okay, we have an answer!  Since we live in 1936, there are no child labor laws, and the only one who can afford a swanky penthouse is Thurston Howell III, we choose the plow!

But it gets worse.  I guess somebody just put the lyric sheet in front of Elton and he did the song in one take.  But anyway, he sings repeatedly about "... hunting the horny back toad."  Then what do we do with it?  What does one do with a horny back toad?  How does one know the toad is horny?  And what the fuck is a horny back toad?

But it's still a classic.  Just don't read the lyrics to a song you like or you may discover back-breaking child labor.

Five Nation Army

The current thing amongst sports fans is to sing (well, something similar anyway) the first several notes from the song, 'Five Nation Army,' and then repeat, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until my ears start bleeding.  It's the very same song that Hitler's soldiers sang as they ravaged Europe.  Anywho, the fan's goal is to induce a rally or something.  Maybe it's mass vomiting in the stadium that they're trying to induce.  I don't know.  I don't follow this shit - you tell me.  I wonder if they've ever actually listened to the lyrics?  The lyrics are reprinted below.

Mother dear, I'm writing you from somewhere in France,

Sergeant says I'm doing fine, a soldier and a half,

Here's a song that we'll all sing, it'll make laugh!

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

Have you any dirty washing, mother dear?

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

Cause the washing day is here.

Whether the weather may be wet or fine,

We just rub along without a care!

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

If the Siegfried Line's still there!

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

Have you any dirty washing, mother dear?

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

‘Cause the washing day is here.

Whether the weather may be wet or fine,

We'll just rub along without a care!

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

If the Siegfried Line's still there!

Everybody's mucking in and doing their job,

Wearing a great big smile.

Everybody's got to keep their spirit up today,

if you want to keep in swing,

Here's a song to sing;

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

Have you any dirty washing, mother dear?

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

Why? ‘Cause the washing day is here.

Now whether the weather may be wet or fine,

Well we'll just rub along without a care!

We're going to hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

Well if the Siegfried Line's still there!

Whether the weather may be wet or fine,

We'll just rub along without a care!

We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line,

If the Siegfried Line's still there!

Letters

I was headed out to the mailbox to mail some letters when it occurred to me that you might like to read my important communiqués.

Letter #1

General Electric Company
3135 Easton Turnpike
Fairfield, CT 06828

Dear General Electric,

I recently purchased the CCR0512FP AC/DC Rectifier and was rather disappointed.  My thermal equilibrium is Maxwellian and the Zeroth Law of Thermodynamics states, "... a system is said to be in thermal equilibrium with itself if the temperature within the system is spatially and temporally uniform."  This was not mentioned in the PDF.  As a consequence, I had to redesign my doomsday weapon to account for the fucked-up nature of the CCR0512 FP's thermal equilibrium.  Please address.  Thank you.

Sincerely,

Stephen Thornhill

Letter #2

McCormick & Company, Inc.
18 Loveton Circle
Sparks, MD 21152

Dear McCormick Tartar Sauce Company,

Your Tartar sauce is an especially good additive to my Gorton's fish sticks.  I'm thinking of serving fish sticks (with your fine Tartar sauce, of course) at one of my numerous dinner parties.

Sincerely,

Stephen Thornhill

This Landscaping Makes Me Angry

Today we examine the landscaping at my place.  First up is this elegant tree.

I've been yelling at this stupid tree but it ignores me.  Instead it keeps producing acorns.  They drop on my awning and make a terrible racket.  This noise keeps me awake when I'm trying to sleep late on a weekday morning.  Fucking Oak.

Next up is this group of euonymus plants.  The landscape guy, Chauncy the gardener, corrals them into a circle around another stupid tree.  This stupid tree just sits there all day and does nothing.  I've told this tree, over and over, to get a job but it ignores me too.  Anyway, fucking stupid tree.  Fucking euonymus plants.

This outcropping of wildflowers attracts bees which chase after me.  I would pour toxic chemicals in this area but kids play nearby.  Fucking wildflowers.  Fucking bees.  Fucking kids.

These shrubs have always pissed me off.  Look at how they mock us, with their perfectly round bodies.  Okay, maybe they're not perfect but they still make me angry.  They ignore me too.  I would yell at the rocks but that is obviously crazy so instead I offer them encouragement, like, "I think you're great!"  Shit like that.  By the way, fucking stupid fucking shrubbery.  You suck, shrubbery!

Gold Rush S05E01 - a review

Today we have a look at the Discovery channel's show - Gold Rush.  Like every show on the Discovery channel, this one takes place in Alaska.  It follows the story of several people as they mine for gold.  Incidentally, the price of gold has dropped roughly 35% since they started looking for it.  But for some reason they keep looking.  Personally, I wouldn't walk across the room for a pot of gold - it's tacky.

Tony Beets goes shopping for a dredge.  He explains to the dredge salesman that he can only afford $1,000,000.  He says, "Do you have one in a dingy gray-green?  That color really compliments my ruddy complexion.  Oh by the way, I'm going to pull your ******* heart out of your chest and drink out of it like it's a ******* coffee mug."

The Hofman's look for a place to dig a hole - and for hookers.  This is a blatant tie-in to Discovery channel's new show - Alaskan Prostitutes.  Todd Hoffman (on the left) explains that they're looking for footwear, preferably boots.

Here, the Hoffman's meet with Marshall Mathers.  Marshall explains that, "... you can suck my fucking dick ..."  It seemed kind of strange that he would pop up here, but whatever.

Jack Hoffman squeaks something that nobody understands.  We had to go backwards about five times until we got it.  Jack said, "A snake with time saves mine."  Whatever that means.

Here, Parker shakes the hand of some guy in an orange hoodie.  We couldn't think of anything clever to write about this picture.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

"What was that, dad?"

 

"What I mean is that it's better to have a lesser but certain advantage than the possibility of a greater one that may come to nothing.  Know what I'm saying?"

"Thornhill used to be funnier.  Don't you think?"

"I don't ******* know.  I guess you're ******* right, Parker."

Quiz: If I Was a Cow What Meat Product Would I Be?

Today we present a quiz, because everybody loves (apparently) them so much.  This is quiz #45 out of 300.  Our favorite is #233, 'What Kind of Vermin Would I Be?'  We especially like the section that answers the question, "What disease would I spread?"

So, let's get going.

If I Was a Cow What Meat Product Would I Be?

Hamburger
Meatball
Hotdog
Some kind of sausage

5 Pictures You Can Click On

Because everybody loves (apparently) lists, quizzes, and shit like that, I made my own.  I present the first of a 500 part series, '5 Pictures You Can Click On.'

1) Above is a picture of Tom Hanks from the movie 'Captain Phillips.'  It's about the captain of a container ship, who has an Internet porn addiction.  It's some weird German shit.

2) Above is former president George W. Bush welcoming Jesus. (not shown)  Jesus and George's bizarre entourage are unconcerned with the angels 'Death From Above' campaign.

3) Above is the GEICO pig with a smartphone (with the GEICO app) super glued to his hoof.  An extra-special bonus picture is included below.

4) What a Dukes of Hazzard car actually looked like after a jump.

5) From the winter Olympics.  The skater had a chicken bone stuck in their windpipe.

TV Show Ideas

Today, we present our totally original ideas for TV shows, because it's clear that the networks are on drugs, are out of ideas, and have essentially given up.  Naked and Afraid is a good example.

Prawn Stars

This show is just like A&Es 'Pawn Stars' except all the employees are crustaceans.  One day Chumlee comes in to find that most of the staff has been taken away and stuffed into spring rolls.

So You Think You Have Cancer

As the title implies, this show is about people who are worried about their health.  The audience votes on which contestant has the worst/best story.  Blood in their urine and/or blood in their stool gets the contestant an automatic entry into round two.  The winner gets their medical bills paid and a full set of expensive diagnostics at a prominent hospital.  The losers get nothing. 

59 Minutes

This show is just like CBS'S '60 Minutes' except it's one minute shorter and has the Hooters girls introducing each segment.

Death Row Death Match

Ten death row prisoners fight to the death in a cage, like MMA.  The victim's family of the person left at the end gets a million dollars.  The person gets a pardon and gets set free.

More shows about Alaska

We can never have enough shows set in Alaska.  Anything will do just fine.  These two should get the schedule up and running right away, Alaskan Prostitutes and Alaska: Needless Suffering.

Somebody Kill Something!

Among the several hundred channels I get is the Outdoor channel.  I wanted to give you a heads-up as they're changing the name.  After January 1st, it will be known as the 'If It Moves Kill It' channel.

This channel features heavily armed hunters killing animals and proudly kneeling on the ground behind the animal's corpse.

Then, they tell the story behind the kill.

"I'm gonna cut off his head now.  You'll probably want to shut off the camera."

His buddy pulls a dead turtle out his camo jacket, and says, "This will make an excellent paperweight."

Sometimes, they have to pluck the animals out of a lake.  He's going to put this one over the fireplace in his den.